When parents struggle with their adult children, it is easy to get scared and think about the "what ifs" in their relationship with them. Fear often becomes the driver in our thinking and actions, which only pushes us further away from our goal of connecting. It is important for us to stay present in the moment we are in. I know this is hard for some of us to do because we can be planners and dreamers. Some of also have past unhealed trauma, making us more hypervigilant and reactive to possibilities instead of facts. We owe it to ourselves and our children to stay open to growth, learning, and change. How would you identify your comfortability with change? Do you live in the fear of the future? What work do you need to prioritize to be fully present in this moment?

This came up on a local community page this morning and I thought it worthy of sharing with all of you.

I know some of us are past the communication phase . My child has been no contact for 3 yrs pretty much. Any interaction is one sided ( hers) and they usually are angry. I didn’t have a last conversation , just what seemed like a quick get away with no chance for a discussion. She met a guy who decided that he was in control . I had not met him but a handful of times before I was told that I could only communicate with my daughter if he was included in our text. They eloped, they decided together that when the 10yr was in trouble for anything that her punishment would be not to see us that wk. She would beg and cry come after school and stay the night on Friday nights. My daughter thought it might work . My husband and I were devastated. She had spent every Friday night for 3 yrs with us. And the child was devastated. My daughter would no longer look me in the eye. This was a pattern she had with men in her life this was the 3rd in the past 13 yrs. They now have two little children . And I have only been allowed to see the oldest if I went to her ballgames and she wasn’t allowed to speak to us. But we kept showing up. I had a counselor at the time who was concerned for my granddaughter and said as long as they don’t tell me not to at least my granddaughter wouldn’t feel like I had abandoned her. Suddenly about a month ago a crazy text telling me her parents were going to let me come get her and keep her for the evening and meet my daughter to give her back. We had an extreme line of rules we had to follow which was sent in a text from her mom stating that “it doesn’t change the relationship she has with me or the younger children but it’s important to Charlie” my granddaughter. This child is now 13yr she said to me “we can’t break any rules, I said we won’t . She said because I missed you to much “ I’m broken over that. But we had a great time. She ask to come back mom said “too soon”. So we wait until someone gives a go ahead. I’m to afraid to get my hopes up . I got off topic sorry, I don’t have a clue how to get back to any conversation until and if this guy is gone. After listening to things I feel like I did way more things wrong than I thought. I didn’t have a clue how to navigate any of this.

Hi Tracey! Your information on the LIVE CALL was clear, informative and encouraging as it reinforces parent's to continue to do the work that has been gifted to us through the P.A.R.E.N.T Method. There is hope and gratitude for the end of our story, or perhaps the beginning!?

I know holidays surface mixed feelings among parents. For some, it is the memories that propel us to keep pushing forward with the hope of repeating the joy of the past. For others, it is the fear of dealing with the unexpected or walking on eggshells with children with whom we struggle to understand. Regardless of what is going on with our children, we have to be sure we keep a healthy perspective. Here are two things to consider: 1. Stay present in the day you are in. Do not write out the next few years based upon the events of the day or weekend. Too often we react to the pain of the moment and then spiral down a path that is based up pure conjecture. This behavior is not helpful nor does it give your growth a chance to unfold in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. 2. Give yourself permission to grieve if you are sad, overwhelmed, or angry. Remember that anger is a mask for fear and fear is at the core of every loss. Don't deny or minimize your emotions but allow them to be released so you don't get stuck and become bitter or resentful. Healing that is delayed hurts the future relationship you desire to have with your children. As you work through the P.A.R.E.N.T. Method, you will build confidence, gain insight, and find hope because you are gaining relationship wisdom for you and your family. This weekend is a holiday but it is not the end of your story. Give yourself the time and space become an even healthier version of yourself so you can be connected to them with few, if any, regrets.