How to find a path backwards ? · Parenting Adult Children Today

How to find a path backwards ?

I know some of us are past the communication phase . My child has been no contact for 3 yrs pretty much. Any interaction is one sided ( hers) and they usually are angry. I didn’t have a last conversation , just what seemed like a quick get away with no chance for a discussion. She met a guy who decided that he was in control . I had not met him but a handful of times before I was told that I could only communicate with my daughter if he was included in our text. They eloped, they decided together that when the 10yr was in trouble for anything that her punishment would be not to see us that wk. She would beg and cry come after school and stay the night on Friday nights. My daughter thought it might work . My husband and I were devastated. She had spent every Friday night for 3 yrs with us. And the child was devastated. My daughter would no longer look me in the eye. This was a pattern she had with men in her life this was the 3rd in the past 13 yrs. They now have two little children . And I have only been allowed to see the oldest if I went to her ballgames and she wasn’t allowed to speak to us. But we kept showing up. I had a counselor at the time who was concerned for my granddaughter and said as long as they don’t tell me not to at least my granddaughter wouldn’t feel like I had abandoned her. Suddenly about a month ago a crazy text telling me her parents were going to let me come get her and keep her for the evening and meet my daughter to give her back. We had an extreme line of rules we had to follow which was sent in a text from her mom stating that “it doesn’t change the relationship she has with me or the younger children but it’s important to Charlie” my granddaughter. This child is now 13yr she said to me “we can’t break any rules, I said we won’t . She said because I missed you to much “ I’m broken over that. But we had a great time. She ask to come back mom said “too soon”. So we wait until someone gives a go ahead. I’m to afraid to get my hopes up . I got off topic sorry, I don’t have a clue how to get back to any conversation until and if this guy is gone. After listening to things I feel like I did way more things wrong than I thought. I didn’t have a clue how to navigate any of this.

For those of us who are completely cut off from these Ac how do we get back to any place. We can’t show them we are different, we can’t model new behaviors??? I had watched another counselor who stated that sitting back and waiting for our child to come back isn’t the answer but I am actually terrified to even attempt a letter because I don’t want to lose what little chance of seeing Charlie that I’m given. At this point I feel like I have to choose my granddaughter and give up my daughter. My daughter doesn’t work , she stays home with the little ones and they moved to the middle of nowhere.

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