Naming your "can't": • What is the pattern? pattern is a need to control and micromanage myself and my life, how I am perceived and how every moment or interaction unfolds. • What is the actual behavior? When I am in judgment of self, of my physical state, of how I feel, think, look or act and believe I am only worthy of my own as well as others’ love if I meet certain criteria, I start to control myself, my body, my expression, the moment and all interactions with others. I try everything I can to not be seen as being out of control. • What do you keep doing? I perform. I stress myself. I obsess over details, try to perfect my image and cover up perceived flaws in order to be able to manage how others will perceive me and what parts of me they get to see. This shows through obsessing over words or design of a flyer, using make-up so people don’t see how unwell I look or through using meditation, Qigong or other methods to change how I feel and get to a state that I have deemed as worthy enough to be seen in.I overexert myself to receive appreciation. I compare myself. I judge others/self. I hide. I try to steer a conversation into a certain direction that will give me the opportunity to say something that will land well with others or make them respect and accept me. I have my guard up so I can ward off the threat that I perceive in opinions being expressed that don’t align with my own, then I either try to make the other see that my opinion is more valid while keeping the mask of being open, accepting and non-judgmental or I supress that impulse and just sit in my own agression and judgment, shifting the blame for my own dissatisfaction. I try to show interest through asking questions, partly hoping to be seen as a loving person that is worthy of also receiving attention back, partly using that as a means to shift attention away from me. I disconnect and keep others at bay. I fall out of the flow of the moment because I have an agenda. I lose peace because I am so busy controlling.

• When did my nervous system feel most activated this week, even if it seemed like a small moment? What physical sensations showed up first in my body? I had several moments where I noticed my nervous system being activated, some of them being situations that tend to show up frequently in relation to my parents, others in regards to the resistance to/fear of letting go the connection to Ian. But I will focus on a situation I experienced yesterday. I was helping out at and joining an overtone workshop with a man whom I got to know last year at a sound healing event I was working at. Already then I could feel strong ego in the way he presents himself and also a subtle manipulative, seductive and quite mental energy. So yesterday I felt triggered by his very mind heavy way of teaching and holding monologues about himself and preaching about resonance and connection but in my eyes not embodying that. I also felt triggered by how people seemed to look up to him like a guru and he was dominating the field even during breaks and at a dinner, so that no true exchange could happen. I now see that my nervous system was already activated before I even got there, simply because the very choice to be there was connected into the deep-seated patterns of how I have chosen to see and relate to the masculine and my need to be seen. The trigger showed up in my nervous system before the actual event through inner tension and concern about needing to dress up nicely, look good and come across as open, positive and vibrant. Also because I was responsible for opening the room and doing the catering part. During class the tension was present a lot of the time and I started feeling very impatient because I felt I wanted to move and do, not just listen. At some point I could identify this as anger, being really annoyed and simultaneously feeling stuck there. I was sitting on a pillow on the floor the entire time and tried to escape the feeling by moving, getting up to get tea, interjecting with questions or little jokes or comments and also resorted to scribbling. Particularly in the scribbling I could sense a sheer desperation, and it reminded me of how I always used to do this in school to even survive sitting there. A feeling of being powerless, needing to remain there and trying to have a neutral face when inside I just wanna fucking move and scream.

Part 1: THE PHILOSOPHY OF COMPLETION AND WILLINGNESS STEP 1: Reflect on Resonance (Willingness vs. Obligation) The foundation of this work begins with your posture. We can see that doing this work from a place of obligation ("I should," "I need to," "I have to") will only recycle the past and damage you further. Instead, the requirement is simply your willingness. • What does it mean for you to replace your "shoulds" with a "willingness to stand in the possibility of seeing something you don't see today"? First and foremost, for me it means to practice becoming present and aware in my own body so that I even have the opportunity to sense where I am operating from. Replacing my “shoulds” with a “willingness” for me means that I move from a passive victim stance into active self-responsibility and participation in my own self-discovery, instead of saying I want to know myself but then expecting/letting someone else (to) try and drag me along while I am fighting for my right to do it my way. It means I not only deliberately choose to acknowledge that I always have a choice and also only I get to choose to see myself more deeply, but also take a position that is open and willing to see more, learn and do things differently. Specifically, that also means that I catch myself in moments where my nervous system goes haywire, for example because I am given an assignment like this or I need to do some bureaucratic things/ things I simply don’t know how to do yet/have never done. And then redirect myself into presence and approach it with openness, trust in myself and willingness to explore myself through it. And that includes a willingness to not be “perfect” and make “mistakes”. It simultaneously means allowing myself to release the “shoulds” or expectations that I place on another. • Write a reflection exploring the difference in your body and mind when you approach your parental trauma from "willingness" rather than "obligation". I’m trying to feel into which way to read this...the obligation being that I feel I should do something, or that I feel my parents are obliged to do something. It seems to be one and the same, because as long as I feel I should do sth., I am not willing and automatically blaming and expecting them to do it for me. When I feel into the core wound of wanting to be seen and heard it’s interesting to notice how the attention in my body shifts from my head/throat and heart down into my sacral, root, my back and feet when I approach it from willingness to actually be responsible for that myself. When I am in obligation and feel “he should give me attention” or “I have to always work hard for him to notice me” I notice the strong tension in my throat, jaw and face. My eyes are trying to forcefully see(k) in order to be seen or something. I sense grief in my heart, a desperation and hurt and it feels like my whole energy is being pressed from the heart up, kind of getting stuck and there is like a forward momentum from the mouth and eyes. A seeking and leaning towards something external. When I tune into an acceptance of my own willingness to see not outside, I begin feeling the energy moving down, I become aware I have a spine and I rest in my pelvis. Instead of my heart energy pressing up and out there is a gentle sinking into and landing in my heart and body.

One of my breakthrough moments was tapping into my nervous system and uncovering deeper layers of anger towards myself as well as the guilt, concern, fear and neediness I've held in regards to my father. For the first time I got to see and feel how the pattern of looking for attention, confirmation and love...specifically from the masculine..has been formed around the experience of my dad moving out and leaving us when I was 7 (he came back when I was a teen). When I found out he had an affair I felt so angry and said I didn't wanna see him ever again and he responded that if I keep saying that maybe he'll never come back. This has led to the fear of being left, lacking the fundamental support and safety, never good enough, not worthy, guilty for not being able to make him stay. And always looking to still get some of that love (manipulation) and in a way idolizing my dad through making him, and whether he sees and approves of me, so important to my success in life. I've been able to witness and release the silent contract of not living my full creative potential because he didn't and that I would keep me connected to him. Being able to acknowledge and feel where I had cut myself of from feeling that moment in time brought a deeper acceptance and calm in my body and nervous system and I experienced a sense of coming back home and receiving nourishment and love vertically instead of horizontally. ❤️