Our brains are not neutral...ever wonder why one negative comment can derail your whole day while getting positive feedback barely does anything? Why it can be difficult to try new things? Why losing $20 feels worse than winning $20? Why breaking a stream feels more painful than maintaining it feels joyful? This is the brain running on 2 psychological pathways that happen automatically: The negativity bias and loss aversion. Negativity bias means your brain gives negative stimuli preferential treatment. The amygdala fires more rapidly and intensely when it detects anything potentially threatening or painful. Positive events register, but they simply do not activate the same level of neural intensity. So negative experiences feel more intense. Then, loss aversion doubles down. From a cognitive standpoint, losses are viewed as more significant than gains. The psychological “cost” of losing tends to outweigh the psychological “benefit” of gaining, even when the events are equal in size. Your brain would rather avoid the pain of losing than pursue the pleasure of winning. This means negative experiences have more gravitational pull in your mind. Let's translate this to relationships. The Gottman's (gurus on relationships who have tons of research on this) give us the example: In close relationships, you need roughly five positive interactions for every one negative to maintain stability. This ratio is not arbitrary. It counterbalances the heavier cognitive and emotional weight that negative interactions carry. A single critical comment activates both biases, so the positives must come in higher volume to keep the system regulated. 5:1!! That's some weight! But, having a ratio like this, tells us that we CAND do something about it: these biases may be automatic, BUT we can work with counteracting them a bit. We can strengthen prefrontal cortex regulation through intentional activities such as savoring, recognition of micro-moments of connection, naming strengths, repair attempts, and cognitive reframing. Basically being on the lookout for the good.

I'm going to be just a little sassy for a quick second...I'm mainly speaking to myself here, but if this hits home for any of you, maybe that's okay too. "Stop shrinking to fit yesterday's version of you". One of the things that I really struggle with hearing is the phrase "This is just who I am".. Is it who we are or is it the habits that we've built over time that 'feel' ingrained? We often tie identity to the things to which we've habituated but does the need to then become our identity? Maybe, maybe not. (Also, a side note---I think that this month, more than any other months in the past, I've been challenged to really embrace challenges--this has been through conversations, through readings, through random IG reels (I guess that's not so random), through too many mediums to really ignore as mere coincidences. It's a call to action. If we don't embrace challenges willingly, challenges will find us and then the question will be: Are we in a place where we've built the warrior within to be able to handle it? ) A nod to @John D @John Kennedy @Dan 'Remmy' Stourac @LaTanya Carter @Ruth aka Grace Rose @Dr. Melissa Partaka @Steve Webb and Jesus who I can't tag (and to each one of you that have shared the challenges that you're taking on and your perseverance!!). One of the strongest findings in psychology is that our beliefs about ability influence how we behave, how we handle tough situations and also how we deal with setbacks. Carol Dweck (a short video below) has done research on the difference between how people handle situations. A fixed mindset sees abilities as static. A growth mindset sees abilities as skills that can change with effort, strategy, and support. The difference sounds simple, but it shifts everything about how we respond to challenge.