Today is a stressful day not in a bad way just a lot of moving parts. I’m noticing that I keep grabbing my phone to scroll but can’t since it’s not there which is a good thing that it’s not there. But really noticing how much I pull out my phone purely from a distraction and comfort part.

I'm struggling with the part of me that needs approval. This part tells me I'm not growing when I don't keep my value systems in place. If I'm honest I'm struggling to define I'm value systems outside of work and inside of work. I feel like this change has took a lot from me and this part questions whether is all worth it. I recognise that the boy is just taking over because that's all he has learned and why would he trust me to lead in those scenarios. When I spoke to him I showed him how far we have come but he still doesn't trust me yet there are part of me that doesn't want to give up on my relationship but doesn't want to return until I'm ready. I'm trying to stay grounded through thick and thin because I know that's where the growth is but this journey is fucking hard sometimes. I'd like the Men in the group to help keep me accountable to my routine. I have everything I need to stay grounded all the time. I just need to do it. I would appreciate a few check-ins is anyone is available just to make sure even when I'm tired, or hurt or lonely now that I choose my direction first nothing else.

I have given up Facebook. Gave my daughter the phone told her to create a password and then I had her put it in a safe spot for if I ever need it.

- Unshakeable code  - The Grounded Man Blueprint - Integrity in Action This is something I've struggled with so much. I have put work first basically in every part of my life before personal care, social maintenance, financial stability. This made me recognise that the values I actually had were very flexible considering the grounded man I am trying to become. This holiday weekend I have attempted to reset my financial system (unfortunately I can't set in motion until the next pay-check but step one has been made). I chose social maintance over studying for and I felt grounded in that decision. There have even been moments I experienced with my ex-partner where I recognised value systems. With my ex-parter I allowed a boundary to be crossed, nothing massive just having more to drink than I intended for the sake of her approval when my intention was to return to studying the next day. I'm not regretful or ashamed of that decision though because It gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with her that I have been avoiding for a full year. I owned my part in the issue and validated her feelings. There was more I intended on saying but once the framework was done I realised the rest was just me looking for approval so I stopped. She expressed how much that meant to her and moved onto another topic. Unfortunately my nervous system was not ready for that and I didn't validate her experience at all, I did the exact opposite. So now I have another conversation I intend to revisit but I do not regret my initial response either because it felt like another learning opportunity. I had built this one big conversation up so much that I was not prepared for another one. In the future I intend to continually remain grounded. This time I allowed the boy to take over because I decided the "task was finished", but I recognise now that my reward was getting to have the conversation in the first place, for being so grounded leading up to it and throughout. /// - I'd also like to add that this past week I have avoided so much less and I feel so much better for it

Looking in the mirror I have been battling with the part of me that enjoys the rat race. Ive been having an all out war with this part and it is currently winning. It enjoys the chaos and the part where I don’t plan ahead or ask for what I want. That part over thinks myself into self sabotage. I’m wore-out and beat down. I’m at one of the lowest points I’ve been at. My wife Sam asks for me to ask her for help and has offered help with some things but I’m really struggling to let her in. Especially when it involves my parents place. I want to thank the part that protected me to this point but I’m also so very sad and angry at the fact that this part exists as strong as it does. my heart is longing for help and love but a part of me is so walled off and scared to stand up for myself and my family. My 10 year old kid is scared to be alone and scared to strong. A part of me is scared to be on my own and the very thing I’m scared of i ended up there from an emotional standpoint. The whole feeling of being in a crowded room and feeling alone is a very real feeling.