18d • General discussion
"Re-Launch"
Fellas, I’m Concerned
Before I took my break at the beginning of the summer, I kept hearing something from guys on social media.
“I was blindsided.” She says she's done. She wants a separation. She's talking about divorce.
And he is standing there thinking:
“Where did this come from?” --- But here's one of the things I'm going to challenge my guys to understand:
The breakup may feel sudden = The disconnection usually wasn't.
There was a dance happening before the relationship got to that point.
And that's where we're going to do some work. You have to understand this dance. They no longer feel on beat, they feel you stepping on each other’s toes, all these moves are creating distance and driving you two apart emotionally.
The Dance of Disconnection
If you're familiar with my coaching style, you already know something about me.
"I love to teach!"
I'm a trained marriage and family therapist who left private practice to exclusively focus on coaching men.
Why my guys?
Because I believe a lot of good men want to lead their families well, but like myself, nobody ever gave them the emotional tools to do it.
This has caused an epidemic of low emotionally self-awareness in the community of men.
One of my top goals is to attack and manage that deficiency.
I want to give men tools to become better partners, better fathers and better leaders in their communities. ----- And that includes the guys who are no longer romantically involved with the mother of his children.
You still have a relationship to lead - You still have children watching - You are responsible for raising a man who is productive in the community.
So the backbone of what I'm going to teach in this community is clear -
The Dance of Disconnection Is The Enemy
You may also hear me call it your cycle, a loop or a pattern. .
And you're definitely going to hear me say this over and over:
THE CYCLE IS THE ENEMY. Not her --- Not you -----This dance.
Why Does the Grinch… Grinch?
That's where the star of our show comes in.
Our Boy Grinchy.
Think about his dance ---- This dude ended up on top of Mt. Crumpit by himself, looking down at everybody in Whoville having a good time.
Isolation, Anger, Disconnection - Simply "He became a mean one."
Each time he thought about the Who's, his system began to crash-out. Eventually, this dude decided stealing Christmas sounded like a good idea.
But instead of only judging the Grinch,
I want to teach you to focus on his systems, ask a different question:
“Why does the Grinch… Grinch?”
“All behavior has a purpose.”
That's where something I call Attachment Logic will come into play.
Attachment Logic helps you look at the impact of your early relationships with your caregivers. It helps us become curious about the experiences and relationships that taught us how to handle closeness, rejection, fear, conflict and emotional safety.
In other words:
There is usually some logic behind our behavior.
That doesn't mean unhealthy behavior gets a pass.
Absolutely not.
It means if we're going to change a behavior, we need to understand what is driving it.
What Does Your Grinch Do?
During what I jokingly call “intense fellowship,” something happens.
Maybe your partner criticizes you.
Maybe you feel rejected.
Maybe you don't feel respected.
Maybe she says those dreaded words:
“We need to talk.”
Your emotional system sets off a Red Code Alert. An unconscious move that tells your brain and body you are not safe. You feel it in your body.
And suddenly you're not responding like the calm, rational dude you were five minutes ago.
Your Grinch shows up, you begin to crash-out emotionally.
Some guys get loud, Some shut down, Some get defensive, Some try to fix everything, Some leave.
Some disappear into work, video games, the gym or their phone - these are called performance based strategies.
And some men emotionally move to their own version of Mt. Crumpit.
That's their dance.
And here's the crazy part:
The other person will have a dance move too. Her reaction impacts you.Your reaction impacts her.
Her next reaction impacts you again. Back and forth. Round and round we go. The more you do X, the more she does Y, the more she does Y, the more you do X ---- Round and Round you two go.
That's why I see everything as a system. Nothing happens in isolation. "All emotional disconnection in your relationship is a performance anxiety issue. "
The Cycle Is the Enemy
I've spent years working with relationships, and I've successfully used the strategies behind my
coaching model dozens of times to help men slow this dance down, recognize what is happening and
begin responding differently.
That's what I want to bring back to this community.
Not a bunch of relationship positivity.
Not beating men up.
Not telling you everything is your fault.
Coaching.
Understanding the play.
Recognizing the defense.
Seeing the cycle.
And learning how to run something different when the pressure is on.
Because you can't change a play you don't know you're running.
His Heart Grew Three Sizes
Something eventually changed for our Grinch.
His heart grew three sizes.
I like to think of that as a connection moment.
Instead of staying isolated on Mt. Crumpit, he moved toward relationship.
And that's what makes the Grinch such a great teaching tool for what we're going to do here.
Maybe the real enemy wasn't Christmas.
Maybe the real enemy wasn't Whoville.
Maybe the enemy was the dance that kept him disconnected from everybody in it.
That's what we're going after.
Alllll Aboard
So welcome — or welcome back — to Why the Grinch Grinches.
My first teaching in this re-launch is going to be:
Understanding Your Dance of Disconnection: How to Recognize the Cycle Before the Cycle Runs You.
We're going to start slow.
We're going to make this practical.
And we're going to take some baby steps, lock in and achieve "micro-wins" - small, successful, steps consistently.
But I need something from you too.
I want this community talking again.
So let's start here:
When you experience “intense fellowship” with someone you care about, what does YOUR Grinch usually do?
Get angry?
Get defensive?
Shut down?
Try to fix it?
Walk away?
Act like you don't care?
Drop yours in the comments.
No shame.
We're going to learn how to recognize the dance before we try to change the dance.
Because fellas…
Hear my voice in your head, over and over again “The cycle is the enemy.”
Please comment, share and refer —
Alllll aboard.
— Kris, IMFT, MBA, C-IPNB
“Why the Grinch Grinches”
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"Re-Launch"
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Through the lens of the Grinch: "why good guys pull away when connection feels unsafe—and how to train presence instead of shutting down.”
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