2d • General discussion
"I was blindsided - she ended it"
What's up community.
First of all, if your relationship made it through January, take a moment to celebrate.
January is known as the highest month for divorce. If I am going to make a guess, this happens right after the holiday season when life gets back to normal. The majority of the divorces filed by women.
It's becoming more common that I am reading about men reporting that they were blindsided when their relationship ended. This is troublling for me to hear. If I was a betting man, most of these guys are missing signs the end is near.
In this post, I am going to touch on this topic and hope I can provide some valuable feedback.
Why So Many Men Feel Blindsided When a Relationship Ends
Just the other day, I was doom scrolling online, "my girl left me, I'm struggling, I was blindsided."
Men often say the relationship ended out of nowhere. Amost always, they also say:
“I’m struggling emotionally.”
One question to consider is "did the struggle start long before the breakup?"
The Hidden Reason Men Miss the Warning Signs
The most common place men get stuck is something called ambivalence.
Ambivalence means:
It's like voices or internal family in your head says:
- One part of you knows change is needed
- Another part of you wants things to stay the same
This inner conflict is exhausting—and overtime, easy to ignore.
Most men who feel blindsided knew something was off.
"Is it possible, they just didn’t feel safe, skilled, or supported enough to change so they shut down and stuck to the status quo?"
“They warn I'm tired” — What That Really Means
When women talk about or left the relationship, there is a common theme:
“I was tired.” (red flag)
This doesn’t mean weak or dramitic - usually meaning emotionally worn down
The relationship is unbalanced
The connection felt loose.
Communication felt heavy.
Emotional safety faded.
Like a charger that was no longer plugged in-the relationship slowly lost power.
Why Men Shut Down Instead of Changing
Many men were warned directly or indirectly - Most missed or misread the signs.
There were asked to change indirectly or directly - Some may have even tried.
But when feedback feels like criticism and demands, the brain-body gets overwhelmed and goes into defense - "The Grinch begins to Grinch."
This is the Mt. Crumpit moment - during conflict, men shut down, get defensive, or disconnect during conflict.
It’s not because they don't care - it’s because change feels threatening.
Toxic Positivity & Advice Rarely Helps Men Change
A lot of ineffective relationship coaching advice leans on a strategy called the righting reflex
—the righting reflex pressures, urges or push their client to fix their behavior - advice to get it together.
Here's the thing?
When men are told what to do, they feels unsafe, the "Grinch begins to Grinch" because the fight/flight response has been triggered. Men push back, sometimes choosing the alternative option.
Like a good salesmans know, real change happens when he gets his customer talking and they hear their own reasons to buy. Men must talk their way into strategies for change.
Five Questions That Help Men Break Through Ambivalence
*If you were blindsided by divorce a breakup, this exercise can help.
Have a trusted person ask you these questions—and you just listen.
- Why would you want to make this change?
- How might you succeed if you tried?
- What are the three best reasons to change?
- How important is this change—and why?
After your help summarizes your answers, they will ask:
- So what do you think you will do?
This approach relaxes the brain-body, lowers defensiveness and increases clarity for you.
Here is my final thought for guys who felt they were blindsided. No matter what happened, or rather there were red flags missed, you are not broken. I will say in most cases there was a tug of war going on. Rather on the right or wrong side, there were moments you were likely stuck and battling in the stage of ambivalence—and no one helped you slow down enough to see it.
This was the case for me before my divorce. I needed a mentor or coach and I did not have one. I recall it was a Sunday spring morning when I was awaken out of my sleep by a loud knock on the door. It was a deputy serving me divorce papers.
My goal is to help guys make changes in their relationship so they can avoid and not repeat mistakes.
Awareness comes before change - And it’s never too late to build it.
Here are some questions I came across:
"Why do men feel blindsided by divorce?"
Men often feel blindsided because emotional disconnection builds slowly and is hard to notice without emotional awareness.
"Is it common for men to miss relationship warning signs?"
Absolutely. Many men shut down emotionally during conflict, making it harder to recognize growing distance.
"Can a relationship recover after feeling blindsided?"
Recovery or repair is possible. Men just needs to learn the skills to slow down, increase awareness, and address emotional safety issues instead of reacting defensively or "Grinching"
Hope in and comment, like, help me build this community to #1 on Skool
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"I was blindsided - she ended it"
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Through the lens of the Grinch: "why good guys pull away when connection feels unsafe—and how to train presence instead of shutting down.”
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