Understanding Attachment Styles in Our Children ❤️

Christopher Whitehead-Baines

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5h • ❤️Mental health support unit❤️

We have been exploring attachment styles in Trauma Informed Parenting

When we talk about attachment, we're talking about a child's sense of safety in relationships.

Attachment isn't about how much a child loves us.

It's about what their experiences have taught them to expect from the adults around them.

For children like my son, impacted by trauma, neglect, loss, abuse, multiple caregivers, or disrupted relationships, attachment can be complicated.

🌱 Secure Attachment

A child with secure attachment generally believes:

💜 "Adults will help me when I need them."

💜 "My feelings matter."

💜 "I am safe and lovable."

These children usually find it easier to seek comfort, explore independently, and return to their caregiver when they need support.

🌱 Anxious Attachment

A child with anxious attachment may worry that connection could disappear at any moment.

You might see:

💜 Clinginess

💜 Difficulty separating

💜 Constant reassurance seeking

💜 Big emotional reactions to perceived rejection

Underneath is often the question:

"Will you still be there for me?"

🌱 Avoidant Attachment

A child with avoidant attachment may appear very independent.

You might hear:

💜 "I don't need help."

💜 "I'm fine."

They may push adults away when upset or struggle to accept comfort.

Underneath is often the belief:

"I've learned I can only rely on myself."

🌱 Disorganised Attachment

This is common in children who have experienced significant trauma.

These children often want connection desperately but also fear it.

You may see:

💜 Pushing you away and then seeking you out

💜 Extreme reactions

💜 Difficulty trusting

💜 Controlling behaviours

💜 Seeming "all over the place" emotionally

Underneath is often the confusion:

"I need adults to feel safe, but adults haven't always been safe."

When my adopted son first came home at 2 years old, I would describe his attachment style as largely disorganised.

He desperately wanted connection, but he didn't know if adults were safe. He could seek closeness one moment and reject it the next. There were times when he seemed to expect care, and other times when he seemed to expect disappointment.

Over time, as he experienced consistent care, predictability, and safety, this gradually shifted into what I would describe as a more anxious attachment style.

He needed a lot of reassurance. He worried about separation. Bedtime was particularly difficult.

Now, at 10 years old, I would say he hovers somewhere between anxious and secure attachment.

He still seeks reassurance at times, particularly during periods of stress or change, but he also shows increasing confidence that we will be there, that our relationship is safe, and that his needs matter.

For me, that is one of the most important reminders about attachment:

❤️ Attachment styles are not fixed.

Children can and do heal.

Every experience of safety, every repair after a rupture, every moment of connection, and every time we show up consistently helps to build trust.

What Does This Mean for Us as Parents?

It means we look beyond behaviour and ask:

What is my child needing right now?

What is their attachment system trying to tell me?

How can I respond with connection before correction?

Children don't heal through perfect parenting.

They heal through repeated experiences of safety, predictability, repair, and connection.

One safe moment at a time.