I've been off the Radar for a couple of weeks. Some of you know, I was training for the Dubai Marathon. Well, I'm pleased to report. I did it, finished it and I'm back home. Mentally, it was extremely tough. From 30km I recalled a post I shared with Steve Bennet and Gary Elston which said 'You Must Tell Yourself, No matter how hard it gets, I am going to make it' I ran this through my head time and time again. Although I was disappointed with my time, I finished.. It's now a week later (today), and the memory of the Marathon has almost faded, the finishing high has gone. This is exactly how Johnny Wilkinson described the 24hrs after winning the Rugby World Cup. It's such a weird feeling, 33 Weeks of training and boom, it's gone.

Right… I’m gonna be straight with you. Recently I had to face something from my past. The sort of situation that years ago would’ve sent me straight back into anger, defensiveness, and survival mode before it had even started. Old me would’ve walked in looking for a fight. Not always physically… but mentally, emotionally… ready to bite back, ready to protect myself, ready for it to go wrong. But this time… I walked in calm. No chest tightening.No scanning the room.No planning exit routes in my head like I used to. Just walked in, listened, had the conversation, and walked out knowing one thing… I’m not that bloke anymore. And that hit me hard on the drive home. Because there was a time in my life where anger felt like armour. It felt like protection. It got me through some dark shit… and if I’m honest, it probably kept me standing when I didn’t have much else. But it also controlled me.It made decisions for me.It made everything look like a threat. And facing this situation showed me something massive… You don’t delete the man you used to be.You don’t pretend he never existed. You respect him… because he got you through the storms. But he doesn’t get to drive anymore. These days that version of me is still there… still strong… still capable… He’s just the bodyguard now. Not the boss. I’m grateful to the man I was…But I’m fully committed to the man I’m becoming. And lads… that version isn’t perfect. He’s not finished. But he’s calmer, stronger, and doesn’t quit on himself when life gets heavy. If you’re battling stuff from your past right now, hear this… You are NOT stuck with who you were. You’re allowed to outgrow it.You’re allowed to rebuild.You’re allowed to become dangerous in the right ways… disciplined… controlled… steady. And the day you realise you handled something differently than the old you would’ve… That’s a powerful moment. Keep doing the work. It’s worth it.

Is there a more negative and destructive phrase that has ever been spoken. On the face of it, it sounds benine and neutral. Infact if you hear anyone use this, run far and fast away. In actual fact this is a phrase that really means "I don't care and never will". It represents a total disregard for the subject at hand and dismisses it as irrelevant. It supports a total lack of effort to even try and to accept whatever it is without examination. Of late I have heard this in two conversations and when examined it tends to come from those with a negative world view. So I run and exit the conversation as I have no room for this in my life. It most certainly isn't what it is, it needs a mind and effort. Beware!

We all secretly know deep down when we are broken but just don't have the energy or will power to break out. Perhaps the thought of stepping outside ourselves is too much. Maybe too many "what if's". It seems easier to stay in our asigned lane and tough it out, after all that's what everyone else does right? It's only when something knocks us sideways to such an extent that we cannot deny that we are broken and have no alternative but to reach for the "fuck it" button and pound that mother. Once you identify your reason and/or purpose, opportunities to make changes suddenly magically appear. In all truth they were always there but we weren't ready to see them. Maybe they nag at us for weeks or months but slowly and inexorably draw us to the decision point. It becomes do or die. Sadly for so many it becomes die and they quietly slip away mentally never to return until claimed by ill health and/or apathy. For a select few that are willing to open their minds, (some may say selfeshly) and reclaim what was once theirs, or start a new version of themselves that they never had, they explode into a frenzy of lets get it done. That motivation doesn't last forever as life has a habit of trying to reclaim you. Your "friends" don't see the point in you fighting what they see as your place. The only way to plot a lasting and fruitful course is to set yourself some goals, I call them "life's waypoints", those little markers that signify that you have moved forwards, hit a goal and are ready for the next. These little achievments become the catalyst for the next and so on. It becomes a routine, a non negotiable. Once you step onto that path with meaning and true intent, the deal is already as good as done. Then it needs action to make it happen. Achievment is its own motivation, you set up a converyor belt which feeds you. You can become that new version of you, you do it not only for yourself, but to be better for those around you that will become your champions. Whatever you want to call it.....purpose.......reason, it should be something that drives you and lights a fire under your ass. Once you normalise this, you will be hard pressed to go back to the old you because you, like others will treat the old you with distain.

I recorded another podcast last night and got upset when speaking. The realisation that my Dad was burnt out and trying his best hit me like a plank of wood. He didn’t know how to cope because he was never shown how and I inherited that from him. Break the cycle and let your kids be free of it.