Let me start by saying I don't know what to do or even if this the right place to put this out. I'm mentally struggling today. What started as one of the best days I've had with my 22 year old daughter, was changed abruptly to me struggling to keep a smile on my face and mask the hurt I'm feeling. Please allow me to explain. My daughter graduated from the University of Tennessee Chattanooga yesterday. It was glorious to see her obtain her degree in Education, where she wants to teach English to middle schoolers (grades 6-8). Watching her happiness was awesome. I was even able to get along with my ex-wife and talk kindly towards each other. Was a able to catch up with my former family members (who had stopped talking to me (after our divorce). So basically things were going well, really well. Then came the gut punch. As I was taking pictures with my daughter, my family, and my former family, everyone getting along (even my exmother-in-law, who I couldn't give two shits about) all we're getting along. I received a text from a guy who I'm friends with who I'm not close to, who happens to be married to someone that I've loved (not romantically) for a long time. His text says that his wife (Sherry) is in hospital and on hospice and we should come visit her as she may not make it through the weekend. (We were never told she was sick. She didn't tell anyone). As I read the text, I'm bent over gasping for air. I have to tell my wife about this, as she's been friends with Sherry for 40 years. I'm trying to celebrate my daughter's accomplishments and trying to hold my wife together at the same time. I mask the pain with a fake smile at the graduation party. I talk about how proud I am of my daughter, all while holding back tears. I continue to mask my pain with several IPA pints, play games with my daughter and her friends at the brewery. I'm still gut punched. The night ends, I tell my daughter how proud I am of her, whic I truly am, as I drop her off at her apartment. My wife and I drive back to our hotel, where she emotionally melts down. I hold myself together for her. We chat and look at old photos of Sherry and us. My wife breaks down, I'm doing my best to keep it together for both of us. She finally falls asleep. I fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the morning (5:00ish AM), it's dark, my wife is sleeping soundly, but I'm thinking about past memories of myself and Sherry from many years, 1986- present.

Well after thinking 2025 was a rollercoaster of losing 2 close relatives and being made redundent, 2026 has said “hold my beer”! So while I continue to try get a money stream in, job hunting seems to be a case of constant rejection or near misses, and while there’s lots of good comment about my own consultancy nothing solid is on the horizon, while in the background the small amount of savings needed to top up what little benefits we get up is dwindling away I now have the news that at 51 I’m going to be a Dad again! Now one thing is for sure, despite all of this I can’t help but keep smiling and being that ‘fun guy’ while it appears the world is burning around me and my head is a scrambled mess trying to process all of this

I have been teaching a course this weekend (it's Easter next week in Cyprus) The Learners all come from a service background Inc Police, Army, NHS and Close Protection. The course was an education and training course. Yesterday, the learners were fairly quite. They did all the tasks I set, and did them well. Today however, saw the Learners Turn a corners and opened up on their previous lives. All bar 2 shared that they suffer from PTSD following previous occupations and the incidents they have been exposed to. This arose during my lesson on Reasonable Adjustments in a training environment. I sat back and let the Learners talk to each other (it was via zoom) about their disorders. My rationale was 'This could be a therapy session' You just don't know what will pop up when teaching and what can trigger such a turn.

Lost my uncle and a close friend in the last two weeks. Not gonna dress it up… it’s been heavy. And I know exactly what the old version of me would’ve done —straight back on the booze. No question. That would’ve been the answer.Numb it. Block it out. Pretend I’m alright. But this time… I haven’t touched it.And I’m not going to. Not because I’m strong or switched on or anything like that…just because I’ve been down that road enough times to know where it ends. And it’s not somewhere I’m willing to go back to. That, for me, is a win. Not a loud one. No big celebration.But it matters. Made me think though… What do you run to when things get hard? Booze?Food?Scrolling?Shutting yourself off? We all have something. But the real shift happens when you start catching it…and choosing something different. Even if no one else sees it. That’s the stuff that actually changes you.

If you could change one thing about your life today…..What would it be ?