Let me start by saying I don't know what to do or even if this the right place to put this out. I'm mentally struggling today. What started as one of the best days I've had with my 22 year old daughter, was changed abruptly to me struggling to keep a smile on my face and mask the hurt I'm feeling. Please allow me to explain. My daughter graduated from the University of Tennessee Chattanooga yesterday. It was glorious to see her obtain her degree in Education, where she wants to teach English to middle schoolers (grades 6-8). Watching her happiness was awesome. I was even able to get along with my ex-wife and talk kindly towards each other. Was a able to catch up with my former family members (who had stopped talking to me (after our divorce). So basically things were going well, really well. Then came the gut punch. As I was taking pictures with my daughter, my family, and my former family, everyone getting along (even my exmother-in-law, who I couldn't give two shits about) all we're getting along. I received a text from a guy who I'm friends with who I'm not close to, who happens to be married to someone that I've loved (not romantically) for a long time. His text says that his wife (Sherry) is in hospital and on hospice and we should come visit her as she may not make it through the weekend. (We were never told she was sick. She didn't tell anyone). As I read the text, I'm bent over gasping for air. I have to tell my wife about this, as she's been friends with Sherry for 40 years. I'm trying to celebrate my daughter's accomplishments and trying to hold my wife together at the same time. I mask the pain with a fake smile at the graduation party. I talk about how proud I am of my daughter, all while holding back tears. I continue to mask my pain with several IPA pints, play games with my daughter and her friends at the brewery. I'm still gut punched. The night ends, I tell my daughter how proud I am of her, whic I truly am, as I drop her off at her apartment. My wife and I drive back to our hotel, where she emotionally melts down. I hold myself together for her. We chat and look at old photos of Sherry and us. My wife breaks down, I'm doing my best to keep it together for both of us. She finally falls asleep. I fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the morning (5:00ish AM), it's dark, my wife is sleeping soundly, but I'm thinking about past memories of myself and Sherry from many years, 1986- present.

I'm not actually after answer to what my worth, is, but it is something I've focused on in the past. I've been on a heck of a journey over the last year with many changes in the right direction. I'm still learning and I'm happy to continue moving forward. Similar words have probably been said by wiser people than I but here goes. A persons value isn't based on what they think others think of them, or indeed actually what they think of them, it's not even based on what you think of yourself, because that's shaped by others. I believe your value is based on how you allow others to treat you. If you allow someone to treat you like shit, You'll feel like shit and others will feel the same way too. If someone makes you feel bad, correct them or cut them out I'm not experiencing this problem myself at the moment, but I have a close friend who's not in a great place, but they are allowing others treat them badly. Just thought I'd share my thoughts.

I have been teaching a course this weekend (it's Easter next week in Cyprus) The Learners all come from a service background Inc Police, Army, NHS and Close Protection. The course was an education and training course. Yesterday, the learners were fairly quite. They did all the tasks I set, and did them well. Today however, saw the Learners Turn a corners and opened up on their previous lives. All bar 2 shared that they suffer from PTSD following previous occupations and the incidents they have been exposed to. This arose during my lesson on Reasonable Adjustments in a training environment. I sat back and let the Learners talk to each other (it was via zoom) about their disorders. My rationale was 'This could be a therapy session' You just don't know what will pop up when teaching and what can trigger such a turn.

If you could change one thing about your life today…..What would it be ?

During my police career I dealt with some pretty awful stuff. I then lost both my Wife and both parents all in the space of 13 months. Yes I went a bit wobble, had some CBT and now I am on the straight and narrow again. Or at least I thought I was. A week ago we had Green Monday a very big bank holiday where we eat, drink , socialise and fly kites. All was going well until it came to putting the meat on the BBQ. I opened the cool box only to fince the spices had spilled everywhere. I was really pissed off. I tried as best I could to clear it all up. Then having finished I stood up and whacked my head on a branch (bloody hurt). It was like a switch had been flicked and I seriously lost my shit. I hadn't even been drinking. I have not flipped like that for well over 10 years. The rest of the afternoon I was very subdued and angry with myself for loosing it. But also alarmed how easy you can flick that switch and boom your almost in a rage. I'm still reflecting on it now. For someone who was often described as so laid back in almost horizontal. It's really bothered me..