Can I get feedback on this pre-auction email?

Client is a fitness/weight loss coach who helps busy dads and professional men get into great shape even if they've got limited time and demanding careers.

This email would be going out to his email list of 10k subscribers to see if there's interest in auctioning off his most premium package.

Here's what the client said about that:

"If it helps make the auction offer more irresistible, I'd be willing to offer ONE of my $12k equivalent packages: 6 month pay for results gaurantee of losing 20-50 lbs or reaching 10-15% body fat, 6 months of 1:1 private coaching with me as the founder, plus an elite dedicated nutrition, exercise, and performance coach. Includes weekly private feedback and insights from me, monthly 15-30 min private performance session with me as needed, initial and quarterly at home men's hormone and longevity blood work test and analysis."

So I wrote up the following and wanted to get your feedback before shooting it over to him.

My thinking was to use a client result as a lead-in to hit on the benefits + a bit of identity, but not sure if it's too long, not simple/clear enough or if I should switch up the approach.

Would love to know your thoughts!

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Subject: Crazy idea? (need your input)

Body:

Hey,

One of our tribe members, Brom, has seen some massive changes in his life.

He's lost 30 pounds (and is now the lightest he's been in over a decade)...

Saved a ton of money cancelling the heart surgery he had planned (because all of his issues are now gone)...

And he's sustained these results for over 12 months.

But I think even better than all that...

Is how he’s become an incredible role model for his kids and family.

In fact, he's even noticed his son start to exercise more and make active changes that will improve his life long-term.