Pause technique - 5,4,3,2,1…repeat… · Parenting Adult Children Today

Pause technique - 5,4,3,2,1…repeat…

Very effective method! I kept quiet and counted like this i don’t know how many times but her first sentence triggered it and i kept going in order to remain calm and not lose my cool. My entire life I saw parents get upset, explode and i admit I learned to do the same thing. I am a reactor! 👎Is my bad habit broken… well, maybe not yet, but I learned that if you really focus and work on it, we can remain calm. Sacred stillness! I have so much hope that I can finally gain control over my mouth when tensions run high! I DID IT!!!!!! YaY!

We had our big “meeting” with son # 2 and his girlfriend so we could try to reconcile and be allowed to see our granddaughter, almost 3 months old now. Mission accomplished! PHEW!

I was asked to start, which was the hardest part to apologize but Catherine was right…it did not kill me. Stung (made me a lot a sick to my stomach) but, hubby stepped in and helped me a little, thank goodness. Then it was her turn and she asked that i do not interrupt her. “Pausing sounds a lot like listening” - i think those are your exact words Catherine - and it sure does. Wow! I tried to dig for empathy …(my kids say my disgust often shows on my face - Catherine said watch for tone and body language) It all sounded all very self-centered (especially since i did not share my side) in the moment, but her pain was very evident. Their pain being described in great detail. I ruined the end of her pregnancy and the first months of having her first baby. I felt slammed with guilt and had to really process this all afterwards. I think i let myself feel badly….i accept that i played a part in it…. i felt badly for a day or two and now i am done and moving on. Catherine taught me this too!

I actually said more than i intended (goal was go listen pause and make peace ) some thoughts were less eloquently said than i wish but i walked away content that i shared three important things. One that I too suffered and woke up every night with her “you are not welcome in our house or child’s life” statement in her email all while caregiving for my mom. That’s all i chose to share, but i needed to say that out loud too! Second, that since we are all adults and they want our respect they should remember that we would like that too. We felt they did not respect our boundaries when asked to email the rules in lieu of insisting and forcing coming to our house when i clearly was not up for it all. My son admitted it would not have gone over well in writing. I did not reply. But, Hmmmm….. i think he knows deep down why….but i left it alone. I spoke LESS…. this is a first…. and it was better actually!!! Pausing - what a beautiful thing!

So, thanks for reading those who made it this far…. I just want to encourage everyone to incorporate PAUSING. Who knew you can count backwards and still hear what someone is saying! Wow! I also grabbed on to sentences Catherine says that i knew would help me ….be the face of love….. how long to pause? …as long as it takes to let love lead! Powerful words. Great tools. God bless you Catherine for your wisdom and your support. I am forever grateful.

The Christening invite and wedding to do list came the next day in a long text. I am not ready for all these added responsibilities but grateful they chose to have the hard conversation and not toss us aside. I recognize that could have happened but i am also very proud that i decided not to die on the hill alone. That was my first plan… be stubborn …stand on “their rules are stupid” they insulted us, and we are to be honored. I still believe in the commandment but i have to be Christian too and I think that was more apparent … thanks to God’s grace and strength and applying the P.A.R.E.N.T techniques!!! They work!

Thank you Catherine and the others for your support! so wish i had more time to support you all in this community but i have added you all to my prayer list! Let’s PARENT the BEST WE CAN together!

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