New and nervous · Parenting Adult Children Today

New and nervous

Hello, I was encouraged to write something to the Community section. I'm new and quite nervous to post things so publicly. We live in a small, rural town where gossip can do wonders (in that people care) as well as damage. I don't ever want to say something that makes it harder for our 3 angry children to heal and be open to talking with us again. I also never spend this kind of money on myself and we aren't rich people.

We had 8 children. Our 22 year old died of cancer June 4, 2025, one day after our grandson's first birthday and 2 days before my birthday. Meagan was a uniquely positive person that focused on helping others as a 911 dispatcher and friend to so many. She was huge in our community. But her attitude made it easier to accept how God might be working through even this.

One of our adult children got mad at us at the funeral and 2 brothers decided to join her in not speaking to us and assuming the worst about us. How can we know what is the problem or explain our perspectives if we can't talk? There is one child in the home and the other 3 adult children all have come to talk with us and understand things, but our angry daughter's home is where "whatever" can happen, so they go there instead of to us. The oldest prefers to stay out of all of it.

Our family is so fractured right now, but honestly, we were starting to have some communication issues as they graduated every 2 years (I've been hard of hearing but now have cochlear implants so now can use the phone but struggle to know what to say if I call). I have struggled to accept their choices (living together, drinking, etc), and make small talk and I think that's something I have to work on from MY perspective, not to fix them. Our church, which we've been so committed to for so many years became horrendous when a new pastor determined to clean up membership roles just as our adult children were dealing with their sister dying. My husband as an elder fought against removing the 3 (now mad) children from the roles since they weren't attending there anymore, but IDK if they know that. We told the one who had a child, but the other 2 won't even talk.

So we've left that with very few church options and most likely the end of my organ career. The fellowship in our "new" church (?) is fantastic compared to our 30 people prior church, but the doctrine is a bit "lighter" than I'd prefer and there are many changes happening within that church as well. While we are blessed by so much, it is unsettling as well to feel we're not sure this is where we stay in this overall time of healing for us.

I have one more year before we have an empty nest. Homeschooling and a functional ranch kept me very close to the children until they left home. I feel I "lose them" when they leave home, especially with the older 4 but we all were too busy (Ranch life never stops) and we've had other children at home to go to their events rather than build adult children's connections. I can write anything, but speaking, especially to our adult children, seems to be where I lose something and my easy to talk to husband has a complete opposite perspective in how much we should keep contact, which frustrated me to no end when they were teens as well as now. He talks so amazingly well with them, but just only when it seems to happen, and I think we've missed when it needs to happen in order to be comfortable "just calling" or just getting together many times! Yet my words seem to end up being the wrong words. Seems we should have been able to do it all, but that's probably something I need to see reality on.

I'm not sure I really have a point here, just introducing myself and hoping that's the right thing to do. I truly felt, when I signed up, that this would be a good fit to improving my thoughts on things as well as wording. I know I desire to think more positively to others as well as myself. I know I'm dealing with grief of many sorts, daughter, other children's choices, my own maybe and even the church I thought was solid. Also soon an empty nest and being 25 miles from town with an aging husband, a job in town won't define who I am. Probably shouldn't be how I define myself anyhow. I know without a shadow of a doubt God is in control and will show me the way. However, when our youngest went from homeschooling to school in town, I was absolutely lost that first semester, but figured that was ok for a time. Then second semester our healthy 20 year old daughter got a terminal diagnoses and I knew God intended for me to be focused on her needs and our family's for however long we'd have with her. Now, in June I realized I am again at the spot I was 3 years ago and it's ok....it'll take time. But what I hadn't figured on was a complete breakdown of our family communication. And THAT is what I want to become the best version of myself for as well as be open to what God intends for me. I know it will come, that latter part, but the work on myself and the rest of my family's journey/choices is quite a lesson in patience and understanding.

I also don't know how to not spend most of my day trying to figure all things out. But maybe that's ok too! :)

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