My story - I was trying to make it as short as I could

Thank you!

My most important memories as a child are certain spiritual states I had, spontaneously, while doing everyday tasks: I felt suddenly huge, and I could see all my life, all life of the planet from outside, as I would’ve been in the cosmos looking down to the planet. I perceived it nothing more than an anthill, the human body, not bigger than that of an ant. I knew I will once again blend in, between all the other ants, feeling small, and getting lost in the illusion of the anthill. Forgetting how it is above the hill. The knowing that there is no turning back, filled me with desperation and made me numb. I tried to explain this state to my parents, but no one understood. In few years, these privileged moments stopped, and I became a worker of the anthill.

I was bullied as a kid, and afterwards as a young teenager, mainly because I couldn’t bully others, because I was trying to protect the weak. Because I was vegetarian, early yoga practitioner and because I had few kilos in plus then the rest of the girls. I couldn’t protect myself, so I did everything to blend in. I became popular, but alienated from myself; “powerful” but alienated from my Soul. At 14 I had my first couple relationship, where I finally felt acceptance, safety, care - I’ve lost myself the second time, worse. I did everything in order to keep him near me, including compromises on the erotic field. I slept with him almost everyday, because unconsciously, I felt that’s the only way to keep him near me, to prevent conflicts and jealousy crisis - result: alienation from my body for years and rock bottom hit self - esteem, self image.

I started smoking and drinking at around 13, arriving at almost 2 packs of cigarettes/day. Sometimes I went to yoga class stinking of smoke and alcohol, till then one day I renounced to yoga. I was lying to everyone who tried to protect me. At age 16 I finally broke up with that guy, and I felt “Great, now I’m free”. Neaah. I started to go in the wrong direction with even higher speed. I was angry and I wanted to punish someone for all the compromises I’ve made. I’ve continued partying, smoking, drinking, now feeling completely "free". This time, as extra, I’ve started to “play” with the guys. When we broke up, he told me that now I will for sure became a wh*re (he was obsessed with me cheating, even tho’, I never did). So I decided to “prove him wrong”. I didn’t sleep with anyone willingly for years. But I become a player. My heart was closed, I didn’t want to invest in another relationship but I liked the attention I was getting, the validation. I wasn’t realizing entirely what I was doing. I was hurting so I hurt many.

One day, when I was drinking, smoking and flirting with some guys, at a bar, I looked around. Suddenly I saw everything with other eyes. As someone removed my prev. lenses. I saw everyone socializing, enjoying apparently but I could perceive that they are asleep with no valuable direction, melted in the illusion of this world, that keeps them stuck. And realized I was just there with them. This perception came as a shock. I knew at that moment that I don’t want any of this. That week I stopped drinking n smoking for good.

My 18 birthday I decided to spend in a yogi camp, on the seaside instead of partying. Since then, In the following years I’ve received certain initiations, I started having access to high spiritual states, experiencing Kundalini Awakening more and more often. I started to study the oriental traditions, tantric tradition mostly, gaining experiences that were shaping me into becoming a woman. I started to study couple relationships, eroticism, femininity (womanhood), masculinity (manhood) from both spiritual and scientific perspective, so I can purify my past mistakes, and so I can help others to not walk the same path. Or at least, to get to the surface quicker.

When I experienced love truly once again (relationship that served me as a final test, 7 times harder and twice shorter than my first one), the cycle closed. I understood most of my patterns, I managed to re-open my heart totally, and arrived at peace with myself and with my past, burning by the purpose to serve, to help, to lead, to shape. I am of course still struggling with some of them but incomparable to what was before.

Embrace you all <3

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