My Story · New Earth Community

My Story

I was five years old the first time that somebody explored my body in a way that didn’t feel right to me. I froze, every single cell in my body knew it was wrong, but I froze. That same day we were walking, our parents just ahead of us and I couldn’t hold it back anymore because my insides were screaming at me, screaming at me to say something screaming at me to do something to make sure that this would never happen again, my shadow, my sweet sweet shadow was ready to howl. The words flowed freely and with conviction from my lips: ‘What happened was wrong and I didn’t like it, I’m gonna tell our parents’ I turned around and walked towards our Moms, and like the scared little boy that he was; afraid of getting in trouble for his curiosity because he knew it was wrong too, he came up behind me. I felt him before his menacing whisper met my ear, ‘Go ahead, go ahead and tell them. They won’t believe you anyways, and even if they do believe you, they’re going to be mad at you and they’re gonna hate you for what you’ve done.’ My feet skidded to a halt and in my memory I can still see the dust gathering around them. I froze… I became as still as a glacier and that was the first moment I fractured from my shadow, and I silenced her. That was the moment I didn’t allow her to protect me, that was the moment I chose to believe him. What if they did get mad at me? What if they did hate me? I couldn’t bare the thought of my own mother hating me. Of my father looking at me and not seeing his perfect little princess. So I grabbed my shovel, the one I often used to build sand castles, and I dug. I dug and I dug and I dug. I buried her so deep inside of the confines of my mind where she stay caged crying, pleading with me to let her out, to let her speak.. please she cried, ‘They’re going to listen, they will help us, please let me try.’ But I couldn’t take the chance, the fear had me paralyzed. So there she stayed buried. Left behind by my conscious mind.

From the recesses of my psyche, she would generate more experiences like this one hoping, praying, believing that I would take the chance to unite with her and to speak, to scream NO! To stand up for myself, and to live my truth because as much as I blamed her for the hell that we were living, it was heaven that she was here to create. She loved me so much, and she believed in me more than I even believed in myself at that time. For someone that I constantly blamed, and throughly despised, shrouded in shame, there may be nobody that loves me as unconditionally as she does. It was this year I decided to start again. It was this year that I took her hand and all I felt from her was forgiveness and gratitude, every time I spoke these truthful whispers I would feel like I was going to die. Terrified, my voice would shake because part of me still believed him. Fear tried to consume me projecting these false realities where I was either dead, or experiencing an existence worse than death for speaking, and I would tremble my bones literally shaking, my breath erratic and scarce. Ironically every time I chose to let truth emanate from the vibrations of my vocal chords, the opposite would happen, I would feel amazing, I would feel free.

From The dark scary abyss a light was birthed. It had been this tiny little flicker at first barely alive but through the Grace of God somehow it hadn’t burned out. The light and dark inside of me remebered the eternal dance.. The shadows highlighting and illuminating the flames that had my cells jumping and shining in fractals all around me. All of those awful experiences began to have meaning and they stopped hurting so much, because the light of each moment that I chose to speak honestly from my heart, shone into every moment I’ve ever lived past and future. Truth emanating from this present moment from the decision to listen to what I need, and respectfully share with others. Inviting them too, into this Sacred Eternal dance. I never knew for so long. I never knew that a simple honest no, could invite so many other people to share this heaven, the absolute heaven that is available to each of us in every single moment. That a yes could invite the genuine support I had longed to feel since that little five year old girl chose to hide away.

I always knew that I had an intuition even though I tried so vigorously to ignore it. I knew things went well when I listened, and that things didn’t go well when I acted against it. It wasn’t good or bad, it was information born from a yes or a no, just like in coding everything is a yes or a no, and each decision in each moment births a new reality. That pattern of acting against my intuition had ingrained so deeply, it took a lot of conscious effort, and still does. The pattern of fear of outcomes that aren’t even real, so strong the shackles had me tied down for 30+ years working endlessly, exhausted beyond belief to try to create reality of unity, of harmony and of love. Because I was operating in fear, and because I was lacking the trust within, it was like trying to paddle against the fiercest rapids on Earth.. and somehow I stayed alive through it all, somehow avoiding drowning. A cosmic grace allowed me to stay alive and breathe through it all, amidst the utter chaos my life had become. Every honest choice, slowed the rapids into a gentle stream, and I began to float in a new direction. Some people left continuing their own battles against the rapids, others turned towards the stream of life with me. New people show up every so often aligned with this cosmic truth, flames catching and igniting our hearts as the Sacred Eternal Flames of life burn in harmony. My life is a beautiful life now, and it’s not by chance; it’s by choice. My dream Is that we all remember the subtle changes we can make even if we begin with a whisper. Like a wildfire we can remember the original instructions and our power to create reality at will, in harmony with everyone and everything inside and around us. Thank you for reading my story, and always remember the pen you hold to write your own.

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