My journey with an unknown destination (quick read, spontaneous/impulsive write)

I am Lica and I have been enlightened since very little (as I feel we all have been but then start to forget because we are “trained” how to be humans). But the difference is that I stayed highly aware, I never forgot. Therefore, I always felt out of place, black sheep, call it whatever you want.

I was born in an extremely dysfunctional family, chaotic environment. I experienced abuse of all sorts, to the point that became the “normal” for me.

Since very little I felt it was my responsibility to heal my family. Yeah, I had the saviour complex since before I even started to speak.

My father was an alcoholic who didn’t go to school, he didn’t know how to read or write. The alcoholism and no education ran in the family. But he was a good man when he was not under the influence. He was a victim. My mother has endured extreme abuse, especially physical. Therefore her dementia and other severe mental illnesses (she has never been diagnosed or treated properly).

So having all this, when I was about 6-7, I started to be the parent of my parents.

I have never been protected the way a child needs to. I have never been loved any human needs to be loved.

For many years of my life I suffered tremendously in all the possible ways - having suicidal thoughts since very young (6-7 y.o), punishing myself, developed high functional depression, extreme social anxiety, distorted body image, self hatred, physical, emotional and verbal abuse daily (that was the normal). And the most tough was that my family was not only dysfunctional but also extremely poor. So during my early years I worked very very hard to have the bare minimum. I know what hunger is, I know what is like to feel cold during the winter and having little to nothing in general.

My father passed away in 2014, before my important exams at school. From that point on I was no longer as focused in school. Everything changed. Depression started to deepen, especially because I never thought my dad would pass away fairly young. Highschool was masking my depression, I did not do very well. Only the last two years I started to shift a bit. At home it was chaos, I wanted to drop out, but I was patient till the end.

I did not have anyone to look up to in my family (until later, it was one brother that inspired me, then his decisions took him downhill. But that’s his own journey he has to walk).

I grew up a little more, convinced that everyone in my family hated me and saw me as a burden.

My brothers were older now and could take care of the family in the way they could.

So they have been my “parent” figure.

But they did not know how to care of me the way I needed to. They have never experienced a healthy feminine influence either, but they were adults, and I was a child. So it was their responsibility to protect me and to provide for me. It took me a long time to stop making excuses for them and to come to terms that they have failed me. (Because I have been gaslighted constantly by them).

I left home when I was 18. I went to a different country. It was such a release. I knew I had to stop expecting anyone to save me and take life in my own hands.

I had very tough years. I was still tied to my family. Even though I was away from them, apart from one brother I lived with.

One day I realised I can actually do whatever I want, without fearing what my family would think. I realised I don’t have to sacrifice myself anymore in order to give them back the little they offered me. Until that point I only lived for them. I was around 20.

That was the start. I still experienced a lot of chaos, because I was so scared of doing anything on my own. I lived in a different country, yes, but with one brother, who was himself disconnected from the rest of the family, and very absent even when he lived with us.

My interests and plans for the future kept changing, to the point where I was starting something, then something else.

E.g. I got certified in curly hair styling and was dreaming of opening my own salon.

But because it was too hard for me to make all my dreams come true (because of money, not having the connections etc), then I started to think of other career paths easier to achieve for me. I started to study, but did not have a clear idea of what I wanted to do next. Because I realised neuroscience was not really something I wanted to pursue in that way anymore.

Destruction happened, I was pushed to be on my own and cut the cord with my brother (I wanted that badly but was scared to, I anyway was taking care of him, but my attachment and scarcity were deep).

My studies stopped abruptly because of the drama that was created. I missed my exams. Would of had to take it all over again.

I also lost a lot of material things that I worked for.

I then lived away from him. Done my own thing. Accepted things the way they happened.

I got deeper into my inner wisdom.

Continued to have a healthy lifestyle. I had plans for myself. Made a 5 years plan, which included travelling the world and a family of my own.

In 2024 I left UK. Went to Austria. It was an initiation and realisation that my goal of travelling the world was already achieved. I was living it. Not in an ideal way, but I was, and all credits to myself, no outside support whatsoever.

Then I started to realise that I can actually do whatever the heck I wanted to. Literally. 😂

So I left Austria. I went to Spain. During these travels I have experienced the most crazy glitches. The lines between dream and reality have been so blurred. It had been so obvious to me how I was actually going in a spiral, not loop. There were similar situations repeating themselves, but I would be more aware, wiser, each time I would see it all clearer.

Ahh, especially Spain. I was so tapped into the Unseen. Grounded, literally every day in nature, walking through the mountains, but I was still finding myself into the clouds. I was so tapped in.

Calling in more grounding energy, I really needed it.

And I manifested it.

What I can say is that I took many risks and somehow I had my hand always held by God (whatever God/source is, maybe it’s just future me, honestly who knows really?).

I then moved to Netherlands.

Certain loops I was repeating became so clear to me. There is no escape from soul growth. If I decided to stay alive, that means there’s many lesson I gotta learn, many traumas to heal and pain to transmute.

What’s crazy and important is that the way I have lived my life for the past years has been all or nothing. When I was in UK I was severely depressed, I was not functional anymore as some point. Isolated and no will to move towards any direction. But the internet kept me alive. Funny, right? Usually the internet sucks in souls. But it helped me. :)

So my approach was: “well, I hate my reality and I rather die than live in this constant pain, so I might as well do whatever tf I want, and if it doesn’t work out, I always have the option to tap out. That’s how I kept myself alive. I actually believed that I have that option (later I realised that even if I would want to I cannot just die, I would when my time will come, when I probably be very old). But I do not recommend this to anyone, unless you are severely depressed and have plans taking your life. In that case, anything is better than nothing. So what is there to lose if you try this?

I know this is a sensitive and scary subject for many, but I casually talk about it because trust me I was meant to die many times but I am still here. And there’s a lot of people who have suicidal thoughts but never talk about it. Most people do not do what they love, so depression is what takes over. And a lot have no idea they have it, because they are high functioning.

Back to me, all or nothing approach.

So I put myself into the hands of the unseen and gave myself some sense if freedom.

But that was freedom to feel so much I have suppressed during the years. Not what I expected to experience.

I felt, I released, I transmuted.

I have realised that all the places I stepped foot on were never random. The land called me back. Memories. Past lives. Transmuting heavy energies, from a workplace, to an area, a city, to a whole country. Consciously but mostly unconsciously.

I have realised that my journey now is an inner journey. It’s slow. The changes that happen will last.

I have realised that I do not have to insist on forcing things. It’s probably not the time now.

I am walking home to myself. My real self. My most abundant and powerful self. And that does not look pretty all the time.

And… it gets lonely.

I am around people, but they are not my kind of people. Not because I feel superior or not love them, but because I know my worth. I cannot be friends with people who choose disembodiement.

I know it’s another subtle mirror for me and also just a season, I encounter them for a reason. They need me and I need them. Our souls signed contracts. We are reminding each other our initial plans. :)

I am not close to being perfect.

But I am doing my best to improve, to embody the person I wanna have as a best friend, a sister, a mother, a life partner.

When I do pour into connections, people tend to meet me with resistance, because I do not people please.

It’s a gift to have people leave my life, because people pleasing is for keeping the peace, but a fake sort of peace.

I rather call in real.

And yes, I might have projections and distortions too (human beings are prone to that), but I would rather have someone open a discussion about it, rather than project and put a label on me.

I often have people feeling judged or misunderstood by certain things I say. But isn’t that because they unconsciously judge themselves?

It’s very easy for it to seem personal, because I am also a huge mirror. (I am pisces, for the zodiac freaks 😋 but idk my exact time of birth, so my placements remain a mistery).

I mirror whatever is within themselves. But to break it down, they don’t actually see me but themselves. Because my anger has nothing to do with them. It’s mine.

My delivery does not have to please them, it’s to free me. And endless reasons.

But when someone who can’t see me feels triggered and puts a label on me, then that’s a favour they do me, cause I want deep connections with only people who can and want to reciprocate what I offer: compassion, seeing and feeling the person with detachment, truth, love.

✨

Now I am releasing slowly the reality that I do not want anymore.

I am proud of the human I am. I said no to repeating toxic cycles that all my family are stuck in, that most people around me find themselves in.

Basically said no to the familiar, and YES to the unknown. It’s the only thing that feels right, plus honest and compassionate people, animals and nature.

I have some plans(studying, scripts, movieeees) and taking some inspired action but I am also staying open.

Spontaneous plans are the best.

I embrace more and more my feminine intelligence.

My intuition and my wisdom.

Not chasing anything right now, just letting the energy move.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say that my dream since I was a little girl is to help the whole world, especially the poor. So I am trusting that the process I am in right now will surely lead to that. To making bigger differences. Which have to start with myself. I didn’t care about material things for very long, till I got into the position where I was forced to care. :))

This experience is really about balance. Money do matter. You can use it in selfish ways, you can use it to destroy or you can use it to empower and change a whole reality.

So I embody more and more abundance for myself, which eventually will touch the whole world.

Thank you for reading 😊

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