3d • Meditate
The Happiness Trap (and the Way Home)
For most of our lives, we’ve been taught quietly and collectively that happiness is something we achieve.
That if we can just avoid pain and gather enough pleasure, then finally… we’ll be okay.
And yet, so many deeply capable, loving, conscious people still feel restless, disappointed, or quietly exhausted by the chase. I work one to one with people who use substances and engage in unhelpful behaviours, they nearly always talk about feeling stuck in a state of mild frustration.
This is what I call the Happiness Trap.
Not because happiness is wrong, but because the way we’ve been taught to look for it actually creates more suffering.
The First Trap: Resisting What Hurts.
Pain is part of being human.
Loss, discomfort, uncertainty, grief, frustration, they come with the territory of being alive and open-hearted.
But suffering isn’t caused by pain alone.
Suffering happens when pain meets resistance.
When the mind says:
This shouldn’t be happening
I can’t cope with this
I need this to stop
A simple way to understand it is this:
Suffering = Pain × Aversion
The pain may be unavoidable.
The aversion, the pushing away, the tightening, the mental argument with reality, is optional.
When we soften our resistance, even pain becomes more workable.
It moves. It breathes. It doesn’t define us.
The Second Trap: Chasing What Feels Good
On the other side, there’s the shiny trap of pleasure.
Beautiful holidays. Peak experiences. Achievements. Love highs. Spiritual highs.
They feel wonderful...and they’re not wrong.
But here’s the hidden cost:
every high quietly raises our expectations.
So when real life resumes, it can feel flat, dull, or disappointing by comparison.
You know this feeling:
The holiday was magical… now normal life feels grey
The first experience was incredible… the second didn’t quite land
The “next thing” is always needed to recreate the feeling
This creates what I call the Expectation Gap, the space between what we expect life to feel like and what is actually happening.
And that gap?
That’s where dissatisfaction lives.
The more we chase happiness externally, the faster the hamster wheel spins.
The Way Out: Releasing Expectations
The way home isn’t about lowering expectations or managing them better.
It’s about letting them go.
Meeting life as it is. Noticing this simple truth:
This is what is here now.
When we stop demanding that life feel a certain way, something unexpected happens.
We develop equanimity, a deep inner balance that isn’t thrown around by ups and downs.
From equanimity grows contentment, a quiet, grounded okayness with being alive.
And from contentment…
inner joy begins to flower.
Not the loud, excitable kind.
But a steady glow that remains even when life is tender, uncertain, or imperfect.
Five Gentle Practices to Step Off the Hamster Wheel
This isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about noticing what’s already happening and responding with kindness.
1. Notice aversion when pain appears
See the difference between raw sensation and the extra suffering added by resistance and stories.
2. Notice craving when pleasure appears
Watch the moment when “this is nice” becomes “I need more.”
Awareness alone loosens the grip.
3. Explore your expectations
Ask softly:
How much of my frustration comes from life not matching how I think it should be?
4. Train the mind gently
Mindfulness and meditation aren’t about escaping life they’re about meeting it without armour.
Stillness teaches the nervous system it is safe to soften.
5. Revalue what truly matters
Begin to consciously prioritise inner qualities: Equanimity. Contentment. Compassion. Clarity.
These are the real foundations of non-dependent joy.
A Closing Reflection
Happiness isn’t something you win by effort. It’s what remains when the struggle to be happy dissolves.
And from that space… Life, exactly as it is, becomes enough.
If you feel called to explore this more deeply, with guidance, practice, and gentle mentoring, I’ll be opening a new journey in January.
An invitation into tranquility, inner joy, and a different way of being with life.
Not chasing. Not resisting. Just arriving.
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The Happiness Trap (and the Way Home)
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