Self-Abandonment · High Vibe Tribe

Self-Abandonment

Here I go again uncovering my patterns...

I had a major realization recently: one of my deepest fears is being abandoned, but I have also been abandoning myself for years. This realization came in part from reading Existential Kink by Dr. Carolyn Elliot two or three times (I revisit it). In that she often quotes Carl Jung and states that "Having is evidence of wanting." Meaning that when you have something in your life (even something you don't like) some part of you - your shadow - wants it. So, in part of my shadow integration... I think there was a part of me that wanted to be abandoned because it gave me a chance to always be the strong one.

But it was also a pattern from my childhood with a narcissistic mother.

I learned early to orient myself around other people’s moods, needs, approval, and ability to withdraw love or security. Later, I repeated that pattern with relationships, jobs, authority figures, and external outcomes.

When life is difficult, I often return to myself. I walk, meditate, focus on my frequency, sleep properly, write, study German, rest, have fun, and take care of my needs. Life begins to feel good again.

Then, as soon as something promising appears, I leave myself.

I throw myself into the job, relationship, opportunity, or problem. My routines disappear. My standards and boundaries soften. My attention becomes consumed by something outside me, and I forget what I need in order to thrive.

I started looking more closely at the different forms self-abandonment can take:

• Ignoring my body’s need for food, sleep, rest, movement, or recovery until it becomes an emergency.

• Allowing urgency, fear, or another person’s crisis to take over my entire life.

• Letting someone else’s judgment determine how I feel about my competence or worth.

• Performing, overgiving, staying agreeable, or becoming “easy” so that people will choose me or keep me.

• Betraying my own boundaries because I am more afraid of someone else’s disappointment than my own discomfort.

• Postponing my life until I have the job, money, relationship, healing, or certainty I think I need.

• Abandoning healthy routines when life starts to feel safe or good because stability feels unfamiliar.

• Using perfectionism to avoid beginning, continuing, finishing, or celebrating creative work.

• Making unrealistic plans for an idealized version of myself, rather than supporting the person I actually am.

• Using shame, criticism, fear, and pressure as motivation.

• Refusing to acknowledge my progress because I have already moved on to the next thing.

• Explaining, suppressing, or judging my emotions instead of staying present with myself.

• Giving my best attention to worry, job applications, messages, external problems, and other people, while giving my own dreams whatever energy is left.

• Turning unfinished projects, missed habits, or setbacks into evidence that there is something wrong with me.

• Staying loyal to identities like “the survivor,” “the strong one,” “the useful one,” or “the person who needs very little.”

I also realized that the opposite of self-abandonment is not perfect consistency but returning to self. It is noticing that I have left myself and choosing to come back without shame or punishment.

I do not need to promise that I will never abandon myself again. I need to practice saying:

“When I notice I have left myself, I will return.”

The question I am trying to ask myself now is:

What am I leaving myself to chase?

Approval? Safety? Certainty? Productivity? Belonging? Rescue?

And then:

How can I pursue what I want without leaving myself behind?

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Self-Abandonment