My key takeaway from the 4 days challenges.

Firstly, I want to thank Aaron for the amazing webinars. I’ve tried several paid / free sessions of Aaron. All in all, it always gave me some important insights I need to recognize.

I couldn’t participate the homework at the appointed timing due to living in very different time zone (Malaysia). But still wanna share what I’ve found out last week.

I grew up from very dysfunctional family. It’s not a surprise from many of us who still have turbulent pattens in life choices and relationships. I am one too :)…

Entire my life, I was trapped in my own jail and mask. To play small, to act cool, act alright, avoided being vulnerable, over achieving and focus on problem solving.

Of course because there was nobody wants to soothe my emotions but only punish me for being in needs and wants. My parents were both very neglecting me for physical and emotional cares. “You’re a big girl, don’t share your burden to me- my life is already so difficult to raise you. I cannot solve your problem even if you share. And you’re only making my feelings bad. Why are you ruining my day? My life is a mess because of you happened and your father.” Or “Don’t you pity me? Don’t you wanna help mama? Don’t you see the burden I carry because of you? You need to be more grateful and comforting mama.”

These words have been playing in a loop in my head for so long. I didn’t realize that this was deeply rooted internally. That… I shouldn’t demand, I shouldn’t ask for a help, I shouldn’t show my feelings… I shouldn’t initiate… because then I will only get hurt, shamed, neglected and disappointed.

I was repeating this pattern entire of my life.

I want it but I act like I don’t want it.

I am not okay but act like totally cool with it.

Checking on people if they like me or not

If they approach me first or not

If they choose me or not

If the affection will disappear or not

And it was linked to my sense of self-worth. I always needed a mirror to reflect me. Someone I can put on a pedestal, who has an authority, to like me, to love me and validate me that I am beautiful, I am Ilovable… I am worth.

Today I confess this to all of you that. I am so tired of staying in this loop. The lessons keep finding me till I learn enough. The universe keeps sending me the same patterns and different people situations and breaks my heart.

Sometimes I feel like Jesus whispers me to make it different this time. “Please love yourself like how I love you, please.”

I declare to all. I will choose differently this time. I hope everyone finds some lightening moments if you are also stuck in this kind of patterns as me.

Love you Aaron. You helped me so much to change my life and re-navigate. This is so invaluable. I hope you read my story :)

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My key takeaway from the 4 days challenges.