I was addicted to having things go my way
I would wake up and immediately feel it.
That tightness in my chest, my mind racing before the day even started.
And it wasn't about one specific thing. It was about the next thing.
If that situation or event fell into place I would feel good for a bit of time.
Then it's like the next worry would fill the one I just fixed.
The same cycle repeating with a different problem.
And when things didn't go my way... I'd spiral. Hard. Waiting for something outside of me to pull me back up.
Seeking that distraction to fill that place.
A text. An approval. A win. Something I wanted to happen.
That's when I realized the truth that changed everything:
My peace was being held hostage by what was happening around me.
Everything was dependent on it going a certain way.
When those things were good, I was okay. When they weren't, I wasn't.
I was riding the cycle of ups and downs at the mercy of things I couldn't control, waiting for the external world to give me permission to feel okay.
It took me years to understand that the anxiety wasn't the problem.
It was the signal to me to change. My nervous system was stuck. And until I learned how to read that signal, nothing on the outside was ever going to be enough.
I had to separate my internal state from what was happening externally.
Peace is a state and if you're waiting for something externally to fall into place to find it, you never will.
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Have you ever felt like this before? Let me know in the comments
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Austin Kory
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I was addicted to having things go my way
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