I Rescue Me (Another Toxic Pattern Revealed!)

I’ve uncovered another pattern underneath everything I’ve been sharing lately.

In a previous post, I talked about some major money revelations, especially how I had been seeing money as a rescuer — something that would come in at the last minute, like the cavalry, to save the day.

But when I looked at my current work situation, my marriage, and then all the way back to childhood, I realized this pattern goes much deeper.

The pattern is this: the people and places I trust to hold me become unsafe.

I trusted my mother to hold me, and she was unsafe for me emotionally and psychologically. I trusted my marriage to hold me, and that became unsafe. I trusted this job to be a safe landing place, and now that feels shaky, too.

So, this is not just about money. It is about a much older wound.

I am not a religious person, but I grew up in Catholic school and something dawned on me...: do not worship false gods. As a child, I understood that very literally... As in, don't go into the forest and build a temple out of twigs and worship Jeff, the god of biscuits.

But now, through everything I’ve been learning about awareness, transurfing, and a more expanded understanding of reality, I see it differently. I no longer believe God, Source, the Universe — whatever name you use — is something outside of me. I believe it lives within me. And if that is true, then every time I look outside myself to be rescued by money, a job, or a relationship, I am handing my power away. I am treating external things like saviors. I am honoring false gods.

Because I can also see how often I have tried to create safety through appeasement:

“Look, I’m being good. I’m helping. Please don’t let this end. Please still choose me.” I did that with my mother. I did that in my marriage. I’m doing that now with my job. But appeasement is not safety.

Another thing I’m seeing clearly: support and rescue are not the same thing. Healthy support is beautiful. Rescue keeps me waiting, hoping, and outsourcing my power.

So this is what self-rescue looks like for me now:

honoring my discomfort sooner
not waiting until things are unbearable to take action
remembering that external things are not my savior
building steady, consistent proof that I can hold myself
keeping at least one promise to myself every day
responding early instead of waiting to be saved

I do not have to wait for rescue. I respond. I support myself. I back myself. I show up for myself. I come for me. I save me. This isn't about becoming hyper-independent, but having more self-governance.

The pattern stops when I stop outsourcing safety.

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