Blinders · High Vibe Tribe

Blinders

I realized something today. I unknowingly have been closed off to opportunities. I suffered some pretty horrific traumas in my early childhood and grew up in a very toxic family. When I became an adult, I felt hopeful I would have a good life because I was now free from my family, so I thought. My family was so critical and self righteous. I never liked that. But I didn’t know how much it rubbed off on me. I also didn’t know how to see opportunities when they came up and if I did see it, I didn’t know how to navigate. My family made me feel guilty about asking for anything. They treated me like I didn’t deserve anything good in life and it was shameful of me to want or accept good things. The conditioning and traumas left me unable to make good decisions and to know how to connect with people in a way that fostered deeper relationships. I’ve always been a social person and have had “friends” but I often end up alone on holidays and weekends. It’s depressing and it’s not how I want to keep experiencing life.

I realize that my early experiences left me hyper vigilant and skeptical of everything and everyone. But that actually invited in more situations to not trust people. I’ve been screwed over more times than anyone I know. So, the conundrum is that I get stuck in the trauma energy and then that creates more trauma and then that makes the energy stronger and that much more difficult to break free from. After a while, it felt like no one really cared about me and the world seems to be against me. But it’s not. It’s that trauma trying to protect me. Unfortunately, now it is harming me and has been for many years. So, I’m actively going to be more mindful of my judgements and fears and keep those in check. I also am actively looking for people I can have good deep long lasting relationships with and learning how to fosters those.

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Blinders