Awareness · High Vibe Tribe

Awareness

So the past couple of days I’ve spent a ton of time trying my best to focus on all my behaviors, things I say, think, feel and I’ve began to question absolutely everything to the point where I’m not even present to what’s actually happening around me. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing because I really do want to be present but I’ve been trying to redirect my focus primarily on my inner world than anything because I really wanna get to the core of what’s going on “behind the scenes.” All of yesterday into last night I kept questioning and asking myself what is something I need to let go of and I couldn’t find the answer until last night as I was driving home I was so focused and it’s almost like I went into a trance? (Obviously still focused on driving as well!) But during this, it’s like something hit me. I kept seeing images of hands gripping tightly to one another and the more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I needed to let go of my adopted dad (he died two years ago) and I needed to let go of my ex. I was telling myself I didn’t feel anything left for my ex even when we broke up months ago when I moved but I unconsciously still kept gifts he gave me and his family on my socials and I still kept thinking about memories we had together and all while this hit me, I felt a wave of sorrow/grief rush over me but at the same time somewhere in the mix of that was a feeling of peace and strength. I kept saying “I let you go with love” and while it hurt to say and process this, it made me realize I’m holding onto attachments of people who no longer serve me. My dad and I were really close growing up (even though I and my mom dealt with a ton of mental and verbal abuse) from him. I still found myself closer with him than my mother. I also realized I was telling myself for YEARS “I don’t wanna turn out like my dad” but I’ve taken a real hard look at myself and see I’m repeating a ton of similar behaviors and habits he’s done that I’ve witnessed and it’s still been very difficult to navigate on how to make appropriate changes. I’m leaning more towards trying to accept that, it’s apart of me but I also been realizing I’ve been adapting and mimicking behaviors/lifestyles of new environments and people I have in my life because that’s what feels safer than having an identity/life of my own. But I’m unsure how to allow myself/teach myself safety or to be myself when I don’t know who I am

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