This is the piece I had already written in April, with some adjustments and additions here and there. Many people in the world of personal development talk about self-love. It is also one of the most important things that many people still fall far short on. Loving yourself is often much harder than it sounds. It is easy to like yourself when you are cheerful and positive and everything is going the way you want. But when you do something you are less satisfied with, or react based on a certain emotion, feeling, or triggers, or have certain thoughts about yourself or others, it becomes much more difficult for most of us. Then a negative judgment often arises, and you like yourself a lot less. You condemn yourself, and all kinds of thoughts are set in motion. I could list plenty for myself, but I will use a recent situation as an example. This is another situation I had in April, but it also simply comes down to self-love and judging myself. It just goes to show how important self-love is and how often it keeps coming back into my life to see how far I’ve come with it. You think you’ve made progress in this, only to find out that you’re doing almost exactly the same thing again. It’s funny to experience that this previous sentence already triggers a judgment right away. It can sometimes happen so subtly and unconsciously…. Just recently, I hurt someone I love and care about immensely. Unfortunately, that is how it works: the people you care about most, you hurt the most and the other way around because they know how to touch your deepest wounds. Which is, of course, also the reason they are in your life, so that you get the chance to see these deep wounds and eventually heal them. In this case, too, I said and did things that were a convergence of various fears and old, deep-seated wounds. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but afterwards, it often becomes much clearer after a while. But in the situation itself, the judgments were already starting to come: you’re not doing it right, you’re not good enough. You aren’t worthy of that person, or you aren’t worthy of being loved. This, combined with other circumstances and fears, ultimately led me to break off contact. I have felt very ashamed and guilty about this over the past few weeks, accompanied, of course, by the same judgments: that I am not worthy of that person, and certainly not of their love. How could I do that? How stupid am I that I didn't realize it yet that it was triggered by old wounds. I didn't like myself very much then, and I actually couldn’t accept that I acted that way. While I also know deep down where it comes from and what is behind it, but in those moments the judgments, stemming from old, deeper wounds, screamed the loudest. To get myself back into balance a bit, I have meditated a lot, reflected, and gone inward. What works as a healing tool during and after such situations is practicing increasing self-love and self-acceptance. Saying out loud to yourself that you love yourself—so in my case, ‘Tom, I love you.’ I often do this during meditation with my eyes closed and completely focused inward, but I have also done it in front of a mirror, which was very powerful, but both evoked a lot of emotions. Try both and see what it does to you, because it is often harder than you think. Then give yourself a firm, long hug. Perhaps add one or more sentences such as, ‘I forgive myself,’ or ‘I am good enough (as I am),’ or ‘I am worthy,’ depending on what applies to you. Take your time with this, repeat it a few times, and feel what it does to you.

Are you sometimes doing or creating something, but it just won't work out no matter how hard you try? Is it then a matter of the Universe saying “this isn't meant to be” and letting it go, or is there something else going on? Is it perhaps something much more personal and closer to home? Because it could be that, unconsciously, you don't want what you are trying to succeed at all. That you are unconsciously afraid of the success itself or of the reactions of others if it does succeed. Afraid of success because you have never experienced it, or because success is related to certain beliefs or experiences. Fear of being judged by others, causing you to feel inadequate or unworthy. That you are unconsciously sabotaging yourself through these fears. It can seem as if everything is going against you, that you have no control over it, and that you blame everything around you except yourself. But then you have probably forgotten that your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. Often, those fears are related to self-love, self-acceptance, and self-worth/finding yourself good enough. If you have low self-worth deep down and do not feel good enough, this will be reflected in the outside world. Things fail due to circumstances or your own influence. The last can come from beliefs such as "I won't succeed anyway," but it can also be unconscious, such as "I am not worthy of being successful." Or, as mentioned earlier, the fear of being judged by others and possibly being deemed not good enough. This can recur in all sorts of areas of your life. Personally, I have a pattern with money; every time I save a certain amount, I spend it on unnecessary and risky things, such as a different car or crypto yet again. New projects or ideas that I don't implement or where I do not consistently dedicate to(like Skool 😉). In love, where I unconsciously sabotage my relationship because deep down I don't feel good enough when I don't do certain things or am not perfect. Because I connect very strongly with the other person and take on their pain/stress. I know since recently I did this frequently with my mother as a child, hoping to receive love. So when I don't do this, I don't feel worthy of their love. But when I do, I lose myself, become overwhelmed, and can no longer distinguish what is mine and what belongs to the other person. This is related to my high sensitivity, but I will go into that subject in more detail in another post.

Sometimes I wonder about life, at how it unfolds, and at the things that appear on our path. Some quiet and subtle, others unexpected and intense. Things that complement and enrich our lives. But also things that completely turn our lives upside down and shake us up quite a bit. Often I think, everything is okay and welcome, but sometimes there are those moments that have a major impact and touch me deeply, and about which I have no idea how to deal with them or which direction they are trying to push me. Which is probably okay for that moment. But it is sometimes difficult to accept because the ‘ego’ wants to know and explain everything and sometimes has very little patience. The key is then to trust that it will become clear on its own and that you are being carried and supported by Consciousness/Universe/God, even though it sometimes feels the opposite. Yes, trust is often very important for remaining patient and positive when events occur that turn your whole life upside down. What often helps me to center again is bringing my attention inward, to my various energy layers. Towards the physical body, so that attention shifts more from the head and mind to the body, which gives me more peace and also a better sense of grounding. At the chakra level, particularly your root chakra; this connects you to the earth and also stands for trust. At the aura level, the first layer, which stands for connection with the physical body. At the hara level, the connection of the red/gold laser of the earth's core, through your tailbone to your tan tien, which also results in better grounding. When you extend this all the way through the soul seat, the ID point to the center of the universe, you will experience better alignment, which naturally also gives more trust. For me, the most important thing is the connection with the core star; this is the deepest layer, where the most powerful and purest source of energy and light resides. When I connect with this, I feel a powerful, calming, loving energy that lets me know to give it time. (I am still making videos on how to connect with this and how to use it to break patterns and heal old wounds, they’re coming…)