Just finished week 3 of 22. Every game is important, Thursday night, Sunday 10am-9pm, and Monday night. They are in a state of fight or flight over every interaction. Then mad at dinner time, that everyone was hungry and it wasn’t handled.

Yesterday I had a long convo with Alyssa, she discovered that she had been slowly feeling a “smoldering” anger towards me… for a long time. I knew there were a lot of moments when she seemed more angry than I would expect, and I often aim to assume and look for where I can take accountability, sometimes I can assume a lot some is a little harder. The other night she needed some space, she needed alone time, no hesitation, I took over the rest of the night, luckily things went smooth which is not 100% of the time. That night she said she still felt that smoldering anger but actually had no where to direct it towards me yet her anger felt aimed at me. It forced her to be introspective as she had no reason for me seamlessly taking over. She concluded after a multi day consideration, that she was FEELING 2nd hand anger, covering up her shame. She felt shame that she wasn’t doing enough because that night I successfully did it all, cooked, cleaned, bathtime, bed time routine. When I was doing the work it took away her ability/cultural-training that she should be a martyr. This gave me hope as I often think I’m doing everything I can, to be an equal partner, and still often feel so short. It was such a win to know that some times her own culturally inflicted shame was the cause. I don’t expect her to no flip a switch and notice everytime she is in a shame-based anger. But we talked about what I can do to help her be aware. She encouraged: “Is there something happening for you?” Which gives her some safe space to share emotions if they are there or if I’m grasping at a misperception.

If you want it, put it on the calendar. The cleaning ladies come every other week. That’s usually my prompt to do a massive tidy session. The pain point is the mail, it’s easier to pile it than open and sort. We put time in every night with the kids, I’m thinking I can claim 1 out of 14 nights for adulting. I hope my manchild can get on board with me 🙏

Can we talk about dumb questions? Maybe a running list in the comments?

I am struggling with starting the weekly meetings with my wife. I know they are supposed to start light and not be all nighters, but I find myself not being able to initiate the meetings. I default as a follower and I'm lacking the confidence to lead the meeting. There is always so much going on and so much to talk about. How do I choose what to talk about? Any tips on how ways that any of you initiate the meetings with your partners or how to choose the meeting topic?