Something confusing happened to me tonight. It all started with me not really wanting to go to my cousins' place tonight, but in the last 5 minutes before they came, I somehow decided otherwise. I ended up having a really good time, connecting with family members who I secretly think don't like me, but it was fun and I enjoyed myself. I don't like alcohol in general, but tonight I decided why not and I bought myself a bottle of martini Asti. Also, my family is Polish and we live in Poland. Last time I saw them was in August at Grandma's birthday, but tonight was the first time that the whole younger generation met without the older ones. And I know they all like to drink a lot. With some % in my body we started talking more freely, and I did an egg cleansing thingy that I learned from a shaman in Chiapas on my cousin's wife. I was interpreting the egg without thinking, just saying words. And she just kept nodding, it's all true, and all that I was saying was exactly the things that were bothering her in her life. We finished, and went back to join the rest. And, to be honest, as I'm writing this, this is the first time I thought about it since. It was at around 22:00 my time. I totally forgot that I did that. At around midnight my poor cousin finally gathered all of us to get us home. My sister went to sleep in the upstairs flat, and I stayed downstairs. I enjoyed a little green smoking magic and I wrote to my fwb "i have dirty thoughts about you...", and then immediately without thinking I opened my notes app and started writing. I was in an amock, writing and feeling every word of it. Then I was dumb scrolling for a while updating myself on the latest news in US (a topic unhingedly uneasy for me, but I have a feeling that something big is gonna happen). And then... Like a month ago I put up a big piece of brown paper in my hallway, cause I decided to make my genealogical tree. I did up to 5 generations on my dad's side and just 3 on my mom's before I lost interest in it.

Food for thought and approach. There’s literally no line you should follow except your own. That doesn’t mean that you can’t - sometimes some of our lines are similar to others, so you can! But you don’t have to! Most importantly you shouldn’t base your decision and direction based on the lines created outside of you.

Dealing with stuff will come. But it will also go. And when it feels like it won’t, remember that it will. Sometimes we have ginormous crossroads ahead of us and every mirror showing us every angle and every detail of our descisions. It doesn’t need to be comfortable and usually it is not. I have all the frickin’ tools in my toolbox on how to process. In so many different ways. But sometimes even that doesn’t help. Pain is a part of life, no matter where you are. But even the worst pain in the world is temporary. The pendulum will always swing back the other way. And sometimes the curve is very long, but it’s always equal on both sides.

I’m realizing that emotions mostly live in the body, and if you don’t process them, they kind of get stuck and you start feeling weird. What techniques do you know for working with that? The main technique I’m using is this one: deep breathing, naming the emotion, noticing where it sits in the body, letting it fully be there for a moment (like a color), and then releasing it — imagining it leaving through the heels. I also do some somatic movement: light dancing, moving the hips and shoulders, fingers, bouncing, and simple yoga, like Surya Namaskar. I’m curious if there are other approaches that work well for you. Would love to hear about them.

1st of January, but really 2nd, because it is, indeed, long after midnight. I am going to do a somewhat of a program with you people. We will let it flow and see how it goes. I am pretty determined to give you all the helpful tools I can think of. The first one has to do with self-discovery. The building stone of any individual progress. To know one's self is an essential to moving forward effectively on one's life path and towards one's contentment and possible happiness. Therefore, we start with a little exercise. Many times we define ourselves as one blob of a person, which is very common in this society. Thus, things can get blurry, when we try to see or decode what we want. Questions arise, like “what we should want”, “why we want this or that”, “why we don't know”…etc. And sometimes the answers are contradictory. But what if I told you that you, as one, are a collection of many? Human life is ever-changing, and we never truly lose our parts. Develop them, yes, but it is most helpful to make them see and understand each other rather than have them fighting in muddy waters. To the exercise! Define who you are by defining your parts. It’s a similar principle to breaking a big task into several small ones. Managing a big task can seem overwhelming and hard to navigate in, but when separated into smaller pieces - it suddenly becomes manageable. So who is all of you? What are your parts? Give it a thought. Breathe in for the question. Tune in with yourself and feel out who those parts, that are taking an active part in your being? Even the smallest one. Think about it, feel about it. It can be the child you, the mechanic you, the parent you, the old and wise you that knows everything already, the teenage you, the 300 years old you, the hurt you, the rebel you, the young adult you, the student you, the alchemist you, the priest you, the elemental you, the guardian of the rivers you, the tennis player carrying a cat and a walnut you. Whatever parts you feel. Think about them, see them. Give them names if you must. All of this is an inspiration. Though I strongly reccomend to include "the child you", because that part usually has a lot to say.