I had a health thing to deal with, so I am a bit behind in reporting. I am contemplating the Values/Standards/Boundaries list. Some of my values are integrity, honesty, forthrightness, trustworthiness, gentleness, patience. Corresponding boundaries are: I keep my word. I tell the truth quicker. I do not hold back essential information. I do what I said I would. I respect people's current internal situation. I respect the right moment. Boundaries have felt very difficult for me. My dad and stepmom had very strict boundaries and no handbook published, so we found another boundary after we stumbled through yet another emotional landmine. The scathing that followed insured I had no boundary in that relationship. Nothing about me was held sacred or honored. The flamethrower was thorough and indiscriminate. Even reading books on boundary setting later on made no dent on my emotional mind. Today I understand my boundaries are what I need to feel safe and in integrity with myself. They are not meant as rules for others to follow if they want a relationship with me. They are about my "container," about what works for me or doesn't work for me. This gives others the space to be themselves and for me to be in my energy, offering respect, co-connecting. You will notice there are no "standards" mentioned. I must not understand what Aaron is getting at here. It sounds like these are the demands I make of others. One of my values is to make as few as possible demands on others. Having lived in a hyper-demanding adult environment as a kid, I understand that as a strategy to drive the other person away. Who wants to live in an atmosphere of emotional intolerance? It wasn't fun for me. And who really wants to make another's life so miserable that they'll slink away and not come back? I've had enough of emotionally toxic relationships, thank you. So, I guess I need more information on what Aaron means by standards. I apply them to myself. They are my values and my boundaries. I want to respect others to figure that out for themselves. For me these are the sacred guidelines we figure out for ourselves to live the life we value and bring to our relationships our sacred selves. I've found the universe will sort out the details and the right person will show up for a wonderful experience of each other that is not to be missed. Open to further understanding...

This one is about body armor, shielding. I find this one rather complex for me. I found I typically would submit, lose myself in the other person. This comes from a tribe of origin experience where the highest value was obedience to the adults - very consistently applied. But the roots are in my relationship with my birth mom, which ended when I was two years old. She evidently had no experience with newborns or infants, so she had no idea of the needs of that life stage. She would neglect me, leaving the house after gating me in my room, to take the train into the City to shop. I'd hear the kitchen door open and the rustle of the shopping bags placed on the kitchen table when she returned hours later. After arguments with my dad, she'd try to take care of my needs, at lease physically, but invariably break off again and go do what interested her. By two years of this cycle, my nervous system was exhausted, and I evidently gave up on love, connection or my needs ever being met. So, I didn't get my love received, or even noticed, it seemed. I was essentially starved of the attention that nourishes and grounds a stable sense of self through the parent/child emotional connection. The basis for a human relationship never developed. I call this "missing circuitry." My dad remarried within something over a year to a woman that didn't like me and my brother (and one of her four daughters). She hid that from our dad, complaining to him "how much we hurt her." I experienced being constantly pushed away. My need for love was already off the table, so I just tried to tough out that relationship. The dynamic of her anger directed to me nearly daily continued from three well into adulthood. My parents' relationship was marked with heavy arguments the first five years and after that my dad spent his time involved in his work life, pretty much, leaving my stepmom to handle the kids and the household. It was hell for me, and I came close to not surviving it at nineteen. A recurring dream has kept me going.

I had the mirror conversation with my child self. It feels like a start rather than a conclusion. I have had many such conversations. Inner child work is familiar to me. No strong emotions, but an expressed desire to move forward to live from the secure, unafraid Self now.

I did the video on breathing. I felt guided to lay on the floor. When the second question was asked, "what do I fear?" the answer came quickly: Dying. Many years ago in my first breathwork experience, I saw myself in my most recent past earth life. I felt horrified and have been dealing with that glimpse ever since. I won't go into all the details. The upshot was I was executed once they found out I was gay; a single bullet to the small of my back. Significantly, I was filled with mortal fear at the time. I carried that over to this lifetime from birth, having only five years in spirit before coming back. I know we are spirit doing these physical bodies for inner cleansing purposes, discarding exactly the blockages Aaron speaks of. I know we are eternal beings, eternal mind, ageless, deathless. Somehow this does not matter to the energy of mortal fear in my mind. I felt surprised that this is having a life of its own in my subconscious, after all the work I've done to release it. And it makes sense that this would be the snag to being open to love. Fear negates love, denies love, fears love. I am willing today to allow the universe to guide me through the conclusive release of this fear in my deeper mind. No wonder I have felt half-alive most of this lifetime. This has got to go if I am to reclaim my full aliveness. And what is a lifetime here without love? I mean, what would be the point? So, I don't know the how, as usual, but I do know the what; it's time for this panic in extremis to be released. I accept the help of the universe in shifting this energy into its opposite. The Love that created me knows how to do this and knows my part in the process. I am willing.

I journaled on the questions provided. The emotion I might have been avoiding is vulnerability. I was regularly shamed as undefendedness was being demanded of me. It is really the shaming that triggers fear. To be so open and then the knife twisted in... I am guarded as to what I say and to whom. I it is a way that I have learned to take care of myself. Where do I abandon myself? I am still breaking myself of rescuing. That behavior will slip out sometimes. I try to catch it before it comes out. Suffering still gets to me. I am working on "enjoying their pain," that is knowing an opportunity for growth is occurring and don't interrupt it. How can I show up more as the real me? I live alone. I work alone (gardening). I do not interact with but a few people in each day, except at our Center on Sunday's. Most of these interactions are not very intimate. I think Sunday mornings at our Center has the better potential for emotional honesty. Where am I holding back my authentic self? Around people. I can check in with myself more often to track what is going on with me and see if expressing that would be useful in the interaction.