Every home that is struggling with equality of invisible labor has a conversation they are struggling with that takes on different flavors, which one are you struggling with the most?

Form the COre EMotion Wheel: Anger SHame GUilt Fear Sad Lonely Hurt Joy

Yesterday I had a long convo with Alyssa, she discovered that she had been slowly feeling a “smoldering” anger towards me… for a long time. I knew there were a lot of moments when she seemed more angry than I would expect, and I often aim to assume and look for where I can take accountability, sometimes I can assume a lot some is a little harder. The other night she needed some space, she needed alone time, no hesitation, I took over the rest of the night, luckily things went smooth which is not 100% of the time. That night she said she still felt that smoldering anger but actually had no where to direct it towards me yet her anger felt aimed at me. It forced her to be introspective as she had no reason for me seamlessly taking over. She concluded after a multi day consideration, that she was FEELING 2nd hand anger, covering up her shame. She felt shame that she wasn’t doing enough because that night I successfully did it all, cooked, cleaned, bathtime, bed time routine. When I was doing the work it took away her ability/cultural-training that she should be a martyr. This gave me hope as I often think I’m doing everything I can, to be an equal partner, and still often feel so short. It was such a win to know that some times her own culturally inflicted shame was the cause. I don’t expect her to no flip a switch and notice everytime she is in a shame-based anger. But we talked about what I can do to help her be aware. She encouraged: “Is there something happening for you?” Which gives her some safe space to share emotions if they are there or if I’m grasping at a misperception.

Hi all, im Dan. I live in Pittsburgh PA and I am excited to join this community and better understand my partner’s mental load. I’m also excited for the opportunity to learn from others. Story time, I discovered this community last night. Was nervous to post. But today after work, my partner had dinner in the oven and she was doing some work on the balcony at the same time. She asked me to pull it out of the oven in ten minutes. I set a timer for ten, pull it out, and as it’s cooling, she comes over and asks “did you check if it was done?” Of course it wasn’t done. It had totally slipped my mind, I thought I was doing well enough just by pulling it out after ten minutes. Definitely my sign to make a post here. My partner fell in love with me for my kindness, my ability to have fun and make the most of any situation, and my reliability. It feels bad when I come up short on that third trait, so I am excited to learn from others here.

Today I turn 35, and I try to use my birthday wish wisely. If you have benefitted from my content in the time since you found me, my shameless ask is to leave me a rating on my Spotify podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/00yIunwOpcCymvruv1FL7o?si=zss8OpXiTsOIp9W1kBZeyg Attached is the screen shot for the button to tap (3 dots near the top) It’s been a really fun project for me the past few years, I’m almost up to episode 100. Ratings could make a huge difference as I try to get my book proposal sold to a publisher this month! Thank you in advance if you accept my request. Thank you for your belief in me to teach invisible labor:)