Last night’s men’s group call was beautiful and it reminded me of something deep inside my heart. Sometimes I get so infatuated with being “better” that I forget to use the wisdom of what I come from. Being able to sit in a space where anger wasn’t judged or feared, but instead welcomed, witnessed, and understood. I feel an opening in me that I’ve kept guarded for most of my healing journey over the last few years because I fear my own anger and being unable to reel myself in whenever I let it out. Shadow integration to me is ritual combat, I’m learning to open up and become more aware of the beauty in being me and all the complex, powerful, and sometimes painful facets of what it means to journey this realm as the masculine. I spoke briefly last night about growing up under the shadow of an abusive stepfather, I learned early how to survive. I carried pain that wasn’t mine to carry, shouldered blame that didn’t belong to me, and tried to make sense of a world that didn’t feel safe. My mother, my younger brother, and I endured things that no one should have to endure. That trauma planted the seeds of resentment and rebellion in me. It shaped how I moved through the world and how I saw myself. Coming up in the south, my challenges didn’t end at home. I was often singled out in my neighborhood for the color of my skin being lighter than most around me. I felt too different to belong, yet too familiar to disappear. Add to that the weight of racism from those much lighter than me and it was a lot for a young boy to hold. No trust in the masculinity around me to help me see through the darkness. And without a healthy space for my anger to breathe, I turned it inward, or let it explode outward. Last night reminded me that anger doesn’t have to be a prison, or a energy to try to hide and forget. It can be a doorway. A doorway to healing, to truth, to power. The love, safety, and presence I felt from every man on that call gave me permission to speak my truth without fear. That alone is healing.

I deeply appreciate the conversation and stories shared yesterday. I was able to find something in me that I have been struggling with for quite sometime, decades even. Although I knew this part of me was something that needed attention, I have continued to push it aside. Last night as I shared that space with y’all, I had the privilege to hear your stories, and offer my story, and something became dislodged from inside of me. I’m not quite sure what it was that detached itself from me, but I suspect it was some part of me that prematurely douses my own flames before they’re able to be felt . I know that something let go of me, or I let go of it, because when I got in bed last night I had an intense bout of nausea, and I spent most of the night in the bathroom vomiting everything that was possibly inside of me to throw up, and then some. It was very painful and involuntary, though I allowed my pain to flow through me and I did not hold back making any sounds that I needed to lol. I am laid up in bed after sleeping in 3 hours longer than I usually do this morning. I am feeling ok at the moment, though I have weakness and aches throughout my body and head. I think it best to skip the community council call today. I’ll be thinking of you all. I appreciate any prayers you feel called to offer as I recover from what seems like a ripping apart of a piece of my former self. Love you all.

Hey NOW Fam, following up on Uncle's invite last Sunday to share what's raw and create space together to be real in the rough patches, here's what's alive & raw in my life right now with the potential to live with on the Thursday call. Yeah the literal furniture of my physical space is moving as I paint, clean, & purge this sweet nest that has held me and my 2 boys the past decade. Now they've moved out and I'm also tugged to fly and explore potential new home bases. And, synchronistically in the last few weeks I got word that 3 organizations I've been working with as project manager (remotely) are disbanding in the next couple months because they've completed their original purpose. It's a celebration and it's crunchy and I'm leaning into the unknown of something even more aligned with who I am becoming. So there's also a liberation here. I can speak/write to it with awareness and feel faith and trust present in me AND I don't want to bypass. I want to give space to the raw, undiluted by 'enlightened thinking' feels. My head and heart know that being real with the rawness will nurture my inner soil for what's next. And it's a lot to manage my own 'journey thru rawness' -- see my proj manager brain? 😜

Brother uncle song encouraged me to write a post here in the general section. It is interesting to observe how I feel to post about it again. I feel kind of pushy ;-) I was always a very curious, energetic, inspired person who loved to do a lot. Until I had my burn out aka depression/panic attacks in (around) 2015. This brought my to the path of self-development and spirituality. Well, I was on that path before but then it/I got "serious". I learned a lot, grew a lot, got a much deeper connection and understanding of the energetic and spiritual world. So from my point of view today I'm grateful for this depression and panic attacks. As it brought me to another track in life and much more deeper connection to me. But what never got healed was the fatigue I had since than. And it made me aware that I felt tired since childhood. I just haven't been aware of it. I ignored it and fought it (and the underlying emotions/traumas) with a lot of activity. Since I'm aware of it I try to find a solution to feel energetic, inspired, motivated, like me again... I tried so much over the years... Since two years it got even worse. First I thought I'm just close to burn out again, as my father died one year before. I was the only one who was responsible for everything (doctors, house/apartments, bureaucracy, selling/clearing the house....). I thought that I just need some months to recover and everything is fine. But I didn't get better. It got worse. My muscle strength got quiet weak (which was never my problem before) and startet to feel kind of sore, my joints started to hurt, I got heavy mood swings (generally I don't feel depressed, but there are those days when it gets really dark, like someone had pushed a button (or Harry Potters Dementors came in), brain fog... A half year later I got aware that I was bitten by a tick a half year before... And short after that my pre menopause started. Both could have affected my fatigue. Just to give you a brief overview what I have tried over the years: