Last night my brother called me instead of spiraling into another PTSD fueled psychic break. We talked about feelings being real and important but not inherently dangerous. The thing that makes them dangerous is when we give them power to make decisions for us. This is the first time he's reached out to me instead of going to substances or actually needing to be hospitalized because of attems to harm himself. Today it was sunny and not so bad for him. I'm thankful for the language I've integrated from Rey's videos that's helped me be there for him, myself, and others.

I‘ve been trying for a short time to get into the habit of speaking about myself in the third person in my head for everyday things like: He gotta take a shit. He is angry. He is hungry. He thinks this and that, etc. This seems like a clever trick to create distance. It helps me separate myself from my self-image, my emotions, thoughts, and my body/flesh. Instead of identifying with everything, I see it as an observer: so the ego is no longer my enemy or my master, but a partner in a symbiotic relationship. I remain the one who directs it without letting it devour me. It’s like a game or theater or satire. I build up the ego, push it with affirmations, etc., but I always know that “he” is just the mask I wear to achieve my goals. The idea came to me from the anime “Record of Ragnarok” when Apollo fought Leonidas in the second season. Life is truly limitless, and you can be whoever you want. A huge theater piece. At the end of the day, I can take off the mask and always be who I am, in silence. It’s best to speak of oneself in the third person only in one’s thoughts and not in conversations with other people because otherwise they think you’re a psychopath 😹 But what do yall think about this?

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Being alone does not mean you are abandoned. It's a matter of perception - and that's where my mistake lay. Before my ex, I always had this empty feeling inside me. It made me kinda depressed at times because I thought something was missing. I interpreted it as a lack as if there was a gap in me that needed to be filled (for example, by a woman) I saw emptiness as a problem, as something negative that made me sad and feel empty. During the time with my ex, this emptiness felt filled. But appearances deceive. It was just noise - distraction from the relationship, emotions, and everyday life. Nothing that would quench the fullness forever. it was like a temporary plug that covered the emptiness but didn't heal it. After my ex, the emptiness returned, and it made me sad and depressed in some moments again. I continued to interpret it wrong: as loneliness, as abandonmnet, as proof that something was missing. This wrong perception made me kinda depressed because I thought the emptiness was an enemy that was eating me or trapping me in a hell. I saw it as a lack, instead of something positive, as presence that i just hadn't recognized. From one day to the next, it cleared up a few days ago. The missing understanding was: Emptiness = Silence = God = Space = I You can turn these words however you like - it forms a circle, an infinite loop. Silence = Emptiness = Space = God = I Or Space = I = Emptiness = God = Silence No matter how you arrange them, they mean the same thing: Everything is one. There is no seperation. The emptiness is silence, the silence is God, God is the space, the space is I. And I am the emptiness. It spins in a circle because there is no beginning or end - it simply is. What is this space? The space is the free place in me where everything happens. God doesn't sit ''in it'' like a guest in a room. He is the space. And I am also the space because everything I feel, think, or experience only lands in me without me forcing it.

I've started meditating. I've just finished my second session. My opinion and current conclusion is as follows. I've put two and two together: You learn to just be. Until the day before yesterday, I didn't think much of meditation but I wanted to do something because I only pray now and then. The thing about prayer for me is that I have nothing to say. I believe and have faith in the Lord. In the end His will is done and He knows what I want and need and so on. That's why I can never think of anything to say and I don't really see the point in it for me. My head is always full of thoughts 24/7, and when I pray and talk to God in my head there are logically even more thoughts. And to be honest, I've had ENOUGH OF WORDS AND THOUGHTS. But with meditation it's different. You don't talk you just are. Everything is nice and calm and you detach yourself from everything. I focus on my breath or on the silence. I've heard often enough that you can hear and find God in silence. And silence is quiet but you can still hear it if that makes sense. And through meditation you also spend time with God, as they say about prayer. That's why I see meditation as prayer. From now on I will call meditation prayer because that's what I believe it to be. I can already tell that it's doing me good so I'm going to do it every day for the foreseeable future. Of course I'll continue to pray as normal or pray for other people when something comes to mind or when I have something to say, but for now I'll stick to meditation. I don't have a goal with meditation but I would love to be in that state 24/7

Judging myself is a pattern my older brother has noticed for a long time and it's one of the only things I feel as I turn a blind eye to while still being aware of it. My thought process goes in loopholes of negative thoughts that I label and identify with it and usually I cry to it rather than rage about it since I found a long time ago that rage didn't help in nothing ( fck I just judged myself LMFAO) its something Im starting to catch on to but it feels terribly hard to endure and the self belief I have in me is none. Thoughts come of other people around me and how I find all the bad things in them and get mad at them but at the same time I am conscious that its only my emotions going haywire so that hatred or whatever resentment toward that person or something is turned instead inward to not take action on my ego/emotions. Example: may feel bad toward a little thing said from my girlfriend and I feed into that so much unconsciously that I get to a breaking point where I wanna end the relationship outta nowhere or instead shit on myself on how I'm useless for letting such little thoughts or allowing myself to become so affected about it ( all of that only happens in the mind and maybe you'll see me rocking back and forth pouting like a 12 year old in silence ) then. I cry. Nothing happens and I move on. But all of that is nothing efficient- since that sole example is to demonstrate how I struggle with thoughts and it takes my whole energy and day away leaving me what people call it depressed. I'm fully aware of how I'm judging myself yet I can't seem to find a way to stop it because I have to admit it also feels good to ruminate. I don't expect a solution but this is my lowkey way of asking for help on how to stop this. The only time's I don't pay attention, move on or simply don't have negative thoughts labeled as bad is when I'm High. Yeah idk what else to say lol much love to everyone.