Emotional competency is a set of skills that really does not get the attention it deserves. Emotions are colorful, dramatic, fascinating, and essential dimensions of every person’s experience. Emotions send a constant stream of powerful signals that can guide us along the difficult path of survival or quickly send us off on destructive and painful tangents. Emotions obey their own peculiar rules that we can study, understand, listen to, learn from, master, and even enjoy. Emotional Competency or Emotional Intelligence? Much has been written about emotional intelligence. If you have been frustrated in your attempt to increase your emotional intelligence, you are not alone. The problem is that emotional intelligence cannot be learned because it is a test of emotional competency. You can learn to become emotionally competent; you cannot learn to be emotionally intelligent. If you want to score high on an emotional intelligence assessment, master the skills of emotional competency. Affect is the experience of feeling pleasant or unpleasant. Affect arises as a physiological reaction to your environment, your thoughts, and your memories. Sylvan Tomkins, a 20th-century psychologist, identified 9 affects. They are: Excitement Happiness/Joy Surprise/Startle Fear-Terror Distress-Anguish Anger-Rage Disgust Dissmell Shame-Humiliation All humans are born with these affects. The Neuroscience of Affect and Emotion From a neuroscientific perspective, affect results from the interactions of the amygdala (fear and anger, startle-surprise), hypothalamus, insula (disgust, dissmell, shame, humiliation), and striatum (happiness, joy, pleasure). These brain structures are modulated through the ventromedial prefrontal cortex into the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex. The hypothalamus receives signals from the amygdala. The hypothalamus then uses the endocrine system to convert the signals into affect through powerful chemicals called hormones. The thinking part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, has no role in creating affect.

Most of us have unwarranted entitlement expectations from our significant others. No one helped us connect the dots that, as adults, we cannot expect others to meet our unstated needs. We need to ask for them to met. More importantly, we need to be willing to accept “No” for an answer without blaming or shaming our partner. Relationship negotiation doesn’t sound very romantic or sexy, but it is the foundation of lasting love. Without strong, conscious relationship negotiating skills, couples are bound for conflict, fighting, and frustration. Here are four principles of relationship negotiation. Relationship Negotiation Principle 1: Fairness Is What You Create, Not What You Deserve Many people believe that life is supposed to be fair. If “the rules” are followed, if we eat our vegetables, if we are nice, and work hard, somehow we will be rewarded for our goodness. In relationships, the myth is if I am nice, loving, kind, and affectionate, my partner will do the same for me. Sadly, this myth is a lie told to us in childhood to make us behave like good little children. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to fairness. There, I said it. If you want to be treated fairly, you have to work at it. Fairness is not some gift bestowed by your fairy godmother. On other hand, a good life is not about grabbing everything you can for yourself to the exclusion of everyone else. That’s not fair either, to you or to those around you. There has to be a balance, and balance is created through relationship negotiation. Fairness is what you create, not what you think you are entitled to because you are good person. Principle 2: You Have to Ask for What You Want As infants and small children, we could not ask for what we needed. We could only make a lot of noise to get someone’s attention. It was up to someone else to figure out whether we needed a diaper change or a bottle. Miraculously, Mom or Dad appeared and took care of us. While we learned to negotiate many other aspects of our lives as adults, we were not taught how to ask for what we needed and wanted in relationships. Instead, we carry a belief our unspoken needs that our partner will instantly recognize and satisfy us.

When Laurel Kaufer and I started the Prison of Peace Project, we did not set out to teach emotional intelligence. We were devising a curriculum that would help life inmates become good mediators as quickly as possible. Since we guessed that they did not have strong interpersonal skills, we decided to spend 4 weeks teaching them how to listen. We did not expect what happened. We observed that by learning to listen to core messages and emotions, the inmates became substantially more emotionally intelligent. This has occurred in every inmate cohort we have trained in both men’s and women’s prisons. By around the eighth week of training, the inmates go through a transformation that is remarkable and beautiful to witness. As they regain their humanity, they see themselves and their peers with new insights. They become compassionate and understanding. It is hard to believe that life inmates can change like this, but it is true. Emotional intelligence comprises 5 basic skills: 1. Awareness of emotions. 2. The ability to modulate emotions. 3. The ability to make behavioral choices in spite of emotions. 4. The ability to recognize emotions in others. 5. The ability to be empathetic with others. Most emotional intelligence training starts with self-awareness. We found that starting with empathic listening developed emotional intelligence without having to teach emotional intelligence. As the inmates learned to pay attention to the emotions of others so they could reflect those emotions back, they learned to pay attention to their own emotions. Eight weeks into the training, inmates report that they find themselves affect labeling themselves when they experience a strong emotion. This is helping them calm themselves down and make good choices about how to respond to their emotional triggers. As you learn to listen to and reflect on the emotions of those around you, you will become more aware of your own emotions. As you develop emotional self-awareness, you will find yourself being less reactive and more conscious about your choices in the heat of the moment. You will find a calmer more relaxed life awaiting you. Teach the techniques to your children and watch them grow this way too!

I was anticipating a challenging situation yesterday involving political discourse at local event in my town. Some of the comments I had read online were very upsetting to me. I was concerned how I would respond – and if I even wanted to do affect labeling. I shared this with Jim and Zahra on the Coffee Hour yesterday. I thought it would help to start with affect labeling myself: I was sad, disappointed, frightened and disgusted by some of the things I had been reading. I thought looking inward would help me to better interact with people and charged political comments at the event. I didn't hear any charged/upsetting political comments😊. But I was able to do affect labeling with people talking about other situations in their lives. I left feeling relieved and glad I attended the event.

Tom, a senior engineer, interrupted the strategy meeting with a sharp jab. “This plan is going to fail. No one asked the people doing the actual work.” The VP, Derek, had the data. The analysis was solid. The projections were airtight. He could’ve defended it. Argued. Pushed back. But instead, he paused and said, “You’re frustrated. You feel ignored. Maybe even a little insulted.” Tom blinked. Then nodded. “Yeah. That’s exactly it.” No raised voices. No escalation. Just a team back on track. This is affect labeling—the most counterintuitive leadership skill you were never taught. 🧠 It calms anger in seconds.🎯 It restores trust without giving up authority.🧩 And it solves the real problem—emotional tension disguised as disagreement. Being right won’t stop conflict. Listening to emotion will. Who on your team is waiting for you to understand what they feel, not what they say?