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Why can’t we kill addiction? We can kill the silence for the deaf and the darkness for the blind. We can kill about anything, except addiction. Addiction is like a parasite! The only way to kill it is to kill the host and even then it lives on in the next suffering soul. It lives at the core of every addict, it pulses through our veins and breeds poor choices faster than a rabbit watching bunny porn!! The best we can hope for is to harness the demon and find a way to keep it at bay! But, even then, there is no leash strong enough to hold this beast!! It can rear its ugly head 5 years, 10 years, 20 years after sobriety, the son of a bitch is still alive. Laying dormant in the shadows of our mind waiting for just the right time to come roaring back to life stronger than ever. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful beyond measure. You don’t have to feed it, it doesn’t care about a drink, it just lives off your insecurities that are there whether you’re sober or not! Addiction can be on life support in the back of our minds for a decade and still kill the addict in a single night!! It robs us of our accomplishments and strips us of our pride and our happiness!! We even know that every day it lives, we die a little more & still we find our fix, feed the monster within and subtract that day from the total number we’re allowed in this life! I often thought addiction was born in my poor choices. I’ve always tried to think back to my childhood to see if I can find that one decision, that one choice that sent me down this path of nightmares. But as I’m trying to write this book, I can’t help but notice my poor choices and need for chaos started long before drugs were even an option! When I was 5 years old I told my sister to go lie to my mom and tell her that my dad needed a lighter. I then proceeded to start a barn full of hay on fire because it gave me a rush. Anything that risked me getting in trouble I was a fan of. I was 7 years old when I was caught with my first pack of cigarettes!! What fkn 7 years old even wants to smoke? They gave me a buzz and made me feel cool so I was stealing them from my parents and hiding them under my dresser. This monster has been with me, my entire life, like i was born with it!! It’s deeper rooted than just a disease as you don’t catch addiction like a cold in December. It’s far more fundamental than a repeated poor choice as every addict would be sober if that were the case. Idk if it’s in our DNA but from the drivers seat of this addict, it sure seems like it. Sobriety feels so foreign we actually fear it. We cling to our addictions like a kid who can’t swim clings to a buoy because we’re scared to see how far we have fallen. We know the drugs and the alcohol lie and say everything is fine while everyone else sees the ground crumbling under us. Getting sober is like those house renovation shows but played in reverse! Instead of seeing the ugly and turning it into something beautiful. We’ve been insisting we’re fine and nothing is wrong for so long that when they unveil the truth, it’s shocking to see the monster behind the curtain that we have become. See addiction lives in lies, deceit and corruption to where sobriety lives in reality, truth and consequence. It’s a life changing endeavor when you come to terms with that and see how long you’ve been believing the lies. See how almost everything you know has been fed to you by an addiction that is hell bent on killing you. Active addiction is like the blind leading the dumb as we just follow along as it leads us further down until everything is ash and we’re surrounded in the flames of hell!! Even then we are more likely to bask in the warmth of the flames then to find a weapon to fight back. It’s like being taken off life support after 2 decades, then as you stand, never feeling weaker, being handed a knife and told you’ve gotta defeat this thousand person army thats knocking at the front gate!! Every addict, a million times, has looked at the enemy in all of its powerful glory & handed the knife back saying I’m too weak, I’m too scared, I’m not strong enough. If I face that army, that enemy will kill me!! To turn and fight addiction takes a strength most will never know. It takes a level of desperation that’s only found at the edge of death. Sobriety never comes easy for this fight with addiction is always played out in the worst, weakest days of our life! The last fkn thing I want to do is face the addict I have become again! But I’m losing parts of me I never meant to gamble. I know I’m prepared for this fight as I can feel the rage and violence required to defeat this monster filling up my soul like a rain gauge in a thunderstorm! I’ve fought this monster before, many times. This time there is no rehab, there is no counselors, no group therapies! Only me and my demons head to head in a winner takes all death match!! I ask for the cheat code on how to kill the immortal, how to defeat the undefeated, I ask how David beat Goliath because as I turn to face this enemy i know it’s their life or mine hanging in the balance. There is no weakness I can target on the enemy, only strength I must find within this broken vessel if i ever hope to defeat it! They have all the advantages and tools to kill me while I stand here shaking with my knife wondering how in the fuck am I ever going to do this!! But I have been here before and no matter how big or scary this enemy seems, they’re all demons that I have defeated before!! Wish me luck, keep me in your prayers as I’m going to need them if I plan to survive this hell i have created for myself!!!! Thanks for reading!!

I apologize about the randomness in the writings right now I’m seeing what I can do inside of a free trial so just grabbing and moving writings I can find.

In addiction, while I was in this rehab or that one, I always heard the counselors & speakers talk about mountains in recovery. I always thought this was just an easy metaphor to use for the folks who always find themselves at rock bottom but the truth is it’s because, in sobriety, you’re either climbing or you’re falling! It’s either up really slow or it’s down, really, REALLY fkn fast! There is no comfort zone to settle into because the second, the fkn moment you think you can take a break to celebrate your accomplishments is when you will find yourself at the bottom of the mountain, in a darkness you never saw coming. There is a man that I meet at the bottom, who lives in that darkness and he resembles myself. Only a weak & insecure version, full of self hatred and regret. The result of what happens to the addict who insists on living and breathing solitude and isolation!! He looks me in the eye and he tells me that it’s ok to stand idle. He reminds me of every danger that lie ahead if I dare try to climb again. He is my fear of failure personified. He is everything that I hate about myself, staring back at me in the mirror. This man I meet, more days than I’d like to admit, his intentions are to get me to quit. To overwhelm my mind with racing thoughts of past failures like sharpened knives soaring through the air! At times, I feel like I’m going to bleed to death as even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes but the truth is, that meeting this man doesn’t remind me of every time that I have tripped and I have failed! He reminds me of who I never want to be again! He reminds me that rock bottom is where I was fkn built at!!! Seeing his miserable soul in the mirror only reminds me that it was in this darkness that I first found my strength! When the pressure is applied the hardest is when I will always shine the fkn brightest! Where most people panic, I thrive and maybe I have my life of addiction to thank for that, for I have been here before. I have lived most of my life in this familiar darkness so I know, for a fact, there’s only two options that I have. Climb or die! Thrive or fail! Get tf up or lay tf down!!! After everything I’ve been through & everything that hasn’t killed me, I know where I’m going to place my bet! Seeing this man in my dreams only reminds me that I’m fucking up and that it’s time to start climbing again! The path forward is uncertain, it is steep & it will be jagged but I’ll be fkn damned if I’m going to stay down here with this loser!! Addiction and darkness defined my past. These next steps I am taking, will define my sobriety!! Everybody says “don’t be scared! You can do it!” but fuck that! I should be scared because what I have been doing, will not accomplish the kind of dreams that I am shooting for!!! This story does not end in dark places or sad stories! I may not know yet, the heights to which I will climb, but I promise the view will be worth every second of the work & dedication that I’m going to put into it!! I have great people around me and I can’t wait to see where this climb from the ashes will lead!! Thanks for reading! 💯

I no longer pray “god give me what I think I need” but “god give me what you know I will need!” Idk what my tomorrow will hold. What is possible in my tomorrow but in his grace, lies my faith. God is the only one who has been in my tomorrow, who has seen my tomorrow, so he’s the only one who knows what I will need, when I get there! If he knows that I have to fight a lion to prepare for Goliath, then fight the lion is what I want to do! Fighting the lion is the struggle that I am grateful for as long as it prepares me for whatever tomorrow will hold! Everyone is so ready to run from the struggle, to run from the self doubt and the hard times!!! I’ve been in, what is starting to feel like, the struggle of my life for weeks! I’ve been in more pain for the last two weeks then I’d imagine most people could tolerate without a drink or a pill. I’ve thought about drinking more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 765 days combined! I even found myself going to ask for a half pint at the gas station because I was out of answers for any relief to the pain but as tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t utter the words and just said nvm I’ll fkn figure it out. I have tears in my eyes now thinking of how close I came to losing everything I have worked so hard for! In addiction I was never very religious as believe it or not but god never gave me the endless supply of drugs I prayed for, a million times over. I didn’t think he existed because there were hundreds of times I found myself screaming to the heavens, through sheets of fkn tears & on bended knee for him to take me from this earth, to relieve me from the pain of being myself and he never did!! Trust me, I gave him numerous chances with all my overdoses!! I thought if I prayed for sober, he was supposed to make me sober! I mean didn’t y’all read the book? He turned water into wine! So, of course if he cared enough, he could change an addict into a professional right? Lmfao if only it worked that way! Looking back, I see how every time I truly prayed for my addiction to end, he gave me the chance to get sober by me getting locked up again!!! The point is that I seen each one of my 23 different jail stays as a struggle when really I should’ve been seeing them as the fkn blessing they were! People want to pray to be somewhere in life without realizing that god is answering your prayers with the struggles that you will need to be strong enough to get where tf you want to be!!!! This pain I have been in, this struggle I have found myself facing day in & day out has came so close to breaking me it’s not funny but I find my pride in this process!! I find pride in the pain that I have made it through!!! I’ve got big plans, huge goals and this pain wasn’t meant to break me or put me in a casket! It was meant to test me to make sure that I am ready for this next step! This pain was a prayer answered because obviously my resolve will be tested ahead. My determination & my willingness to quit will be in question & that is when I will think of this struggle and thank him for forging me into the person I have to be, to accomplish everything I know that I fkn can!!! These last two weeks have been hard without being able to sleep or bend over without feeling like my face is breaking but as I am finally on the tail end of this shit storm, I can’t wait to get back to operating at 💯 & keep moving towards the goals I know I can reach!! 💪🏻💯