These are tough to read, he was so full of hope..

I no longer pray “god give me what I think I need” but “god give me what you know I will need!” Idk what my tomorrow will hold. What is possible in my tomorrow but in his grace, lies my faith. God is the only one who has been in my tomorrow, who has seen my tomorrow, so he’s the only one who knows what I will need, when I get there! If he knows that I have to fight a lion to prepare for Goliath, then fight the lion is what I want to do! Fighting the lion is the struggle that I am grateful for as long as it prepares me for whatever tomorrow will hold! Everyone is so ready to run from the struggle, to run from the self doubt and the hard times!!! I’ve been in, what is starting to feel like, the struggle of my life for weeks! I’ve been in more pain for the last two weeks then I’d imagine most people could tolerate without a drink or a pill. I’ve thought about drinking more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 765 days combined! I even found myself going to ask for a half pint at the gas station because I was out of answers for any relief to the pain but as tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t utter the words and just said nvm I’ll fkn figure it out. I have tears in my eyes now thinking of how close I came to losing everything I have worked so hard for! In addiction I was never very religious as believe it or not but god never gave me the endless supply of drugs I prayed for, a million times over. I didn’t think he existed because there were hundreds of times I found myself screaming to the heavens, through sheets of fkn tears & on bended knee for him to take me from this earth, to relieve me from the pain of being myself and he never did!! Trust me, I gave him numerous chances with all my overdoses!! I thought if I prayed for sober, he was supposed to make me sober! I mean didn’t y’all read the book? He turned water into wine! So, of course if he cared enough, he could change an addict into a professional right? Lmfao if only it worked that way! Looking back, I see how every time I truly prayed for my addiction to end, he gave me the chance to get sober by me getting locked up again!!! The point is that I seen each one of my 23 different jail stays as a struggle when really I should’ve been seeing them as the fkn blessing they were! People want to pray to be somewhere in life without realizing that god is answering your prayers with the struggles that you will need to be strong enough to get where tf you want to be!!!! This pain I have been in, this struggle I have found myself facing day in & day out has came so close to breaking me it’s not funny but I find my pride in this process!! I find pride in the pain that I have made it through!!! I’ve got big plans, huge goals and this pain wasn’t meant to break me or put me in a casket! It was meant to test me to make sure that I am ready for this next step! This pain was a prayer answered because obviously my resolve will be tested ahead. My determination & my willingness to quit will be in question & that is when I will think of this struggle and thank him for forging me into the person I have to be, to accomplish everything I know that I fkn can!!! These last two weeks have been hard without being able to sleep or bend over without feeling like my face is breaking but as I am finally on the tail end of this shit storm, I can’t wait to get back to operating at 💯 & keep moving towards the goals I know I can reach!! 💪🏻💯

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Trials to triumph

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