4d • General discussion
The confidence!! I wish i could warn him that he’s going to fall again!
In addiction, while I was in this rehab or that one, I always heard the counselors & speakers talk about mountains in recovery. I always thought this was just an easy metaphor to use for the folks who always find themselves at rock bottom but the truth is it’s because, in sobriety, you’re either climbing or you’re falling! It’s either up really slow or it’s down, really, REALLY fkn fast! There is no comfort zone to settle into because the second, the fkn moment you think you can take a break to celebrate your accomplishments is when you will find yourself at the bottom of the mountain, in a darkness you never saw coming. There is a man that I meet at the bottom, who lives in that darkness and he resembles myself. Only a weak & insecure version, full of self hatred and regret. The result of what happens to the addict who insists on living and breathing solitude and isolation!! He looks me in the eye and he tells me that it’s ok to stand idle. He reminds me of every danger that lie ahead if I dare try to climb again. He is my fear of failure personified. He is everything that I hate about myself, staring back at me in the mirror. This man I meet, more days than I’d like to admit, his intentions are to get me to quit. To overwhelm my mind with racing thoughts of past failures like sharpened knives soaring through the air! At times, I feel like I’m going to bleed to death as even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes but the truth is, that meeting this man doesn’t remind me of every time that I have tripped and I have failed! He reminds me of who I never want to be again! He reminds me that rock bottom is where I was fkn built at!!! Seeing his miserable soul in the mirror only reminds me that it was in this darkness that I first found my strength! When the pressure is applied the hardest is when I will always shine the fkn brightest! Where most people panic, I thrive and maybe I have my life of addiction to thank for that, for I have been here before. I have lived most of my life in this familiar darkness so I know, for a fact, there’s only two options that I have. Climb or die! Thrive or fail! Get tf up or lay tf down!!! After everything I’ve been through & everything that hasn’t killed me, I know where I’m going to place my bet! Seeing this man in my dreams only reminds me that I’m fucking up and that it’s time to start climbing again! The path forward is uncertain, it is steep & it will be jagged but I’ll be fkn damned if I’m going to stay down here with this loser!! Addiction and darkness defined my past. These next steps I am taking, will define my sobriety!! Everybody says “don’t be scared! You can do it!” but fuck that! I should be scared because what I have been doing, will not accomplish the kind of dreams that I am shooting for!!! This story does not end in dark places or sad stories! I may not know yet, the heights to which I will climb, but I promise the view will be worth every second of the work & dedication that I’m going to put into it!! I have great people around me and I can’t wait to see where this climb from the ashes will lead!! Thanks for reading! 💯
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The confidence!! I wish i could warn him that he’s going to fall again!
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