Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant - how to tell the difference đ¤
A lot of confusion comes from lumping all avoidants together. Theyâre not the same - and knowing which one you dealt with can bring huge clarity.
Hereâs a simple way to tell the difference đ
Fearful Avoidant (hot + cold)
They want closeness but are terrified of it.
Youâll notice:
- intense connection at first
- vulnerability, emotional talks, âIâve never felt this beforeâ
- pull away after things feel good
- come back when they miss you
- feel guilty for hurting you
- say things like âI donât know whatâs wrong with meâ
Their nervous system is torn between wanting love and fearing it.
This creates the push-pull cycle that leaves you exhausted.
Dismissive Avoidant (cool + distant)
Theyâre uncomfortable with dependence and emotional needs.
Youâll notice:
- slow or surface-level emotional connection
- independence is everything
- minimizes problems (âitâs not a big dealâ)
- shuts down during emotional conversations
- rarely takes accountability
- pulls away and stays gone
- seems fine without you
Their nervous system stays in self-protection mode, not longing.
Why this matters for YOU
Fearful avoidants can feel incredibly loving - which makes the loss confusing.
Dismissive avoidants can make you feel unseen - which makes you question yourself.
Neither is healed. Neither can meet you fully.
But understanding the difference helps you stop blaming yourself.
Gentle reminder đ¤
You didnât imagine the connection.
You didnât âask for too much.â
You were responding to someone with limited emotional capacity.
If youâre unsure which one you dealt with, drop a comment and we can gently decode it together.
Youâre not alone here.
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Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant - how to tell the difference đ¤
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