Good morning Conquerors! How is everyone? I decided to do something different this morning. Instead of doing my meditation first thing, I got into the shower (with the affirming music playing and timer set) And told myself "get outside" Well.. it ended up being a bit of a comedy of errors 😅 but even so, I still think this might be a better sequence for me right now. That being said, I need to eat! But just wanted to share and remind you (and myself) that we are ALLOWED to try new things.

Good morning, Conquerors! How is everyone today? I DID get up and wash face and moisturize and do my meditation Which believe it or not, that is HARD right now. Because everything is SO up in the air... But that being said, I'm following my protocol. And THAT being said, I've identified a "target" for my Productivity Zone time today! It is going to be laptop "stuff" Instead of using my phone to do certain things that require internet, I'm going to use my laptop AND, during every break, I'm FORCING myself to go outside even to get one breath of fresh air. Why? Because my brain and body NEED that transition... Anyway, it already feels like an uphill battle...but I will do it. And remind myself the measure of success is NOT completion It is: did I spend time on it? And that i CAN control 😁 And I will stop at 12:30 and eat lunch- I have leftovers from dinner last night. I don't have dinner figured out yet but at least I have lunch 😅🤯

Good morning Conquerors!! How is everyone this morning? I am currently doing a Productivity Zone protocol! I've done one 20 minute session so far and am on my first break I worked on the coat rack. I'm sharing this because I wasn't sure WHAT to do and my brain is realllllly struggling to prioritize etc So I decided I would do SOMETHING. Something that gets me UP and away from my phone. And I turned on the affirming playljst in my earbud and set 20 minute timer. I know everyone is different but for me personally, I've realized i absolutely HAVE to feel like I'm making SOME sort of progress every day. Anyway, I think the coat rack is as good as it is going to be for now. Meaning I'm not sure what else to do with it. So when my break is over, I will stand up and work on... I'm going to say dining table. Let's DO this!

Good morning Conquerors!! How is everyone this morning? I had a MASSSSSIVE day yesterday. Talk about having to face fears... all I can say is I had 4 panic attacks yesterday... not because I was doing ANYTHING wrong...but because the programming I've received is that I don't deserve help etc etc... My body was literally REBELLING... because it felt like if I "screw this up", I'm literally screwed. It truly felt THAT intense On top of it, I "happened" to check my email yesterday and happened to see a thing about property taxes.. which were due in 2 days... And I would have had NO idea had I not happened to open that email While I'm very grateful I DID see the email, it sent me for a spiral because I was just trying to get out of the house to possibly get some food... It feels like everything is crashing down around me. But that isn't actually TRUE the TRUTH is, I'm starting to see things a lot more clearly And the emotions I feel as I'm truly learning how to TRUST feel violent. Not like *I* am violent, but what I mean is it touches at SUCH a deep visceral fear that it is painful However, that is why I named this group The Conquerors!! So... yesterday was extremely rough. I was tense and freaking out internally the entire time. Then when I decided to pay the property tax bill.. it was SO confusing on if it was directly taken out or not . And I told the customer service that while I do want to pay this, I literally CANNOT afford to double pay. Etc So yeah.. I feel like I ran 3 marathons yesterday And it really is GRIEF and SADNESS that my programming creates these false (but they FEEL incredibly real) beliefs. I also see how a "friend" absolutely creates a "feast and famine" dynamic. And how that is not only toxic, it is damaging I've never had someone (locally) who is actually looking out for MY best interests. Ever. It was always is your daughter good? Cool. Then they disappear again But the Wellbutrin is helping to calm the CONSTANT panic button my brain wants to push. And is helping me SEE things more clearly.

Good morning Conquerors! How is everyone this morning? I will be honest- a part of me didn't want to get out if bed this morning. However, I did. And I told myself do your meditation. And I did. Then I realized I better take a shower. So I did. Set a timer for 20 minutes, turned on the affirming music. And in 20 minutes I had taken a shower, got out, washed face, moisturized, and put on my robe By that time I KNEW I needed to at least start making food. So went downstairs (music still playing) and prepped daily water. Took vitamins. Decided to have leftover meat and 2 haahbrowns for breakfast. Got the hashbrowns in air fryer. Knew ok that js one timer I don't have to worry about because they take 20 minutes. Made a coffee with a scoop of protein powder Started drinking water The whole time yes having intrusive thoughts, feeling both like I don't even want to try AND like I HAVE to figure out my life RIGHT NOW. Managed to eat.. then said ok we need to get outside. Even briefly. So went to my car. Verbalized what was going on. And I'm now on my patio. Why am I sharing this? Because it takes courage and grit to take ACTION before our feelings have caught up Now I'm NOT saying run yourself into the ground. I'm saying taking action can include taking a shower, drinking water, eating protein My brain DOES NOT see connections like this. So I'm writing it to both show myself and hopefully help someone else. I still don't feel "all better" in the least. But I DO know that I'm doing better than if I had succumbed to that first thought of "don't get out of bed..what is the point etc" It is definitely a very delicate dance between respecting what your body is telling you, and also not letting destructive thoughts consume you. I can tell you this (and hopefully I remember this as well): I have a better chance of figuring out my life if I have eaten and hydrated, than if not. Even though my mind tries to convince me otherwise. It doesn't even make sense! It will basically say that I don't deserve to eat or drink water or shower until I have my life figured out 🤯