I'm talking visceral "I'm not physically safe" fear. THAT will stop you in your tracks. That's what I experienced this morning. A maintenance man was coming to my place..said he was going to be here 6+ hours.. my place is small.. hormones.. sleep deprivation.. stress.. And he had told me to clear out a certain area... but told me last minute.. and I physically can only lift so much right now... My point is, I realized that I was going to burst into tears in front of this person (or get injured) because my system was NOT having it.. especially knowing that this was during the time I desperately NEED in order to take care of MYSELF so I have a fighting chance to be "on" for Lilly when she gets home etc etc.. It boils down to a trauma belief that is "I'm not safe in my home around an angry man" I know exactly where it comes from.. And really what it is, is that I checked in with myself this morning on "what do you need?" Etc. And it said I calm and privacy at least during the morning. So when that felt like it was ripped from me.. and especially a strange man.. it truly felt dangerous. What I want to say is, i ended up crying upstairs in my room instead. And I used tapping and energy work (even WITH cruel programming telling me "get over it" etc).. and it helped loosen the GRIP of that fear. Becahse I was in a situation where I NEEDED to eat..and quickly. But I felt I couldn't go downstairs. It was rough. And another reminder that I don't have anyone (in person) to help.. or even just support.. But the facts are, I released some tears, tapped on fear *but also had to stay alert that my body NEEDED food or I was going to pass out. I was able to go from "I'm genuinely feeling SCARED, and that's NOT ok!!" To "maybe it is ok to feel a little scared. How can I support myself through this?" Etc. When people say "just don't let it bother you", I literally can't use that. I don't know HOW to do that. I just know that I've never had a safe home.. and I needed that safe home feeling today.. and it felt like I couldn't because even going downstairs there might be conflict and conflict is NOT safe right now with how viscerally vulnerable I'm feeling.

Today might be a "walking uphill" kind of day. But that doesn't mean we don't deserve to keep walking 🥰 Speaking from experience, I woke up with thoughts and feelings and fears etc... but I was able to grab my journal and say ok.. even if those fears come true, will it help me or harm me to become absorbed in them?? It is REALLLLLY challenging to do this by myself on a daily basis. Because I'm not by myself. Daughter is here. Which actually makes it harder. But that being said, my point is that even if I feel tired now and even maybe sore and confused etc... at least I know I did my morning routine. And that DOES feel better than NOT doing it. So, speaking to myself to, give yourself permission to have an uphill day. Give yourself permission to even have a "bad" day. But do NOT have that mean that you don't do the things that are good for you. I ALWAYS feel better when I try than when I don't. Even if I can't see it at the time. This is NOT saying to "push through" and keep harming yourself. This is saying if trauma or fear thoughts are stopping you in your tracks, and you were going to do something good for yourself (drink water, eat protein, be active, take a nap, etc), do NOT let the trauma pull you off I've started doing my qi gong on my patio. Yes a part of me is like can people see? And doesn't that say something..that I'm worried people will see me doing something GOOD for myself 🤯🥴 So therefore, I did it! And some tears even came (which is what I was afraid of), but I told myself tears can come but don't stop doing the thing I'm doing. Anyway, today might be an uphill day. That is ok. Still do what you can do for yourself, to SUPPORT yourself through it instead of punishing yourself 🥰 And if you already know and do this, that is definitely something to add to your gratitude list. I'm literally having to carve this out and it goes AGAINST everything I was programmed.. yet, I'm STILL doing it. Because the TRUTH is, we ALL deserve to be happy and healthy. Period.

Hi guys! I wanted to say with deep gratitude that I have NOT broken my "car streak!"🤯 Today was Day 64 of the car streak! I've also broken through my Journaling phobia! Today is day 10 of the Journaling! I am dealing with intense and deep grief, shock, health issues, potential brain damage.. But I'm sharing this because I haven't given up.. And I don't want you to, either. Love you guys! Keep going 🥰

But it helped me tremendously this morning when it came to me, and I feel called to share in case it could help someone else. I've decided to slightly tweak the wording I'm telling myself from "I'm healing" (which I need to and I AM...) to "I'm upgrading my programming" I feel like the latter has so much more hope to it, without denying the pain that was caused in the first place. It validates our pain without making us stay there forever. And it validates why it takes me a LOT of effort to feel certain things others might get to take for granted. Such as safety. But again, it isn't saying that "because I received this programming, I am doomed to live in it forever." It ALSO isn't saying "this life is my fault". Because if you genuinely KNOW you are doing the absolute best you can, then it isnt your fault! But the exciting thing is there are things we can do to upgrade that programming, so that we CAN change our experience of living! I hope this gives even a glimmer of hope to someone that there IS hope! I love you!!

Why I feeling drain and so down all day. It like i just feel like i am not good enough. I feel like crying all day but didn't. I want for a small walk that help a little but the feeling is still there stuck. I just want to have a good day. I know soon I will go to bed. I will do some of my diamond art maybe put music on that is calming. I am on my grounding mat.