4d • General discussion
Saturday June 27!
Good morning Conquerors!!
How is everyone this morning?
I had a MASSSSSIVE day yesterday. Talk about having to face fears... all I can say is I had 4 panic attacks yesterday... not because I was doing ANYTHING wrong...but because the programming I've received is that I don't deserve help etc etc...
My body was literally REBELLING... because it felt like if I "screw this up", I'm literally screwed. It truly felt THAT intense
On top of it, I "happened" to check my email yesterday and happened to see a thing about property taxes.. which were due in 2 days...
And I would have had NO idea had I not happened to open that email
While I'm very grateful I DID see the email, it sent me for a spiral because I was just trying to get out of the house to possibly get some food...
It feels like everything is crashing down around me. But that isn't actually TRUE
the TRUTH is, I'm starting to see things a lot more clearly
And the emotions I feel as I'm truly learning how to TRUST feel violent. Not like *I* am violent, but what I mean is it touches at SUCH a deep visceral fear that it is painful
However, that is why I named this group The Conquerors!!
So... yesterday was extremely rough. I was tense and freaking out internally the entire time.
Then when I decided to pay the property tax bill.. it was SO confusing on if it was directly taken out or not .
And I told the customer service that while I do want to pay this, I literally CANNOT afford to double pay. Etc
So yeah.. I feel like I ran 3 marathons yesterday
And it really is GRIEF and SADNESS that my programming creates these false (but they FEEL incredibly real) beliefs.
I also see how a "friend" absolutely creates a "feast and famine" dynamic. And how that is not only toxic, it is damaging
I've never had someone (locally) who is actually looking out for MY best interests. Ever. It was always is your daughter good? Cool. Then they disappear again
But the Wellbutrin is helping to calm the CONSTANT panic button my brain wants to push. And is helping me SEE things more clearly.
I don't have the answers
But I CAN say that I try my hardest every. single. day.
I CAN say that I am still being IN bed without phone by 10 pm
And I am getting up every day and washing my face and moisturizing and doing my meditation
NOT because I'm feeling "good"
But because my motto is "don't give up".
That being said, I'm doing Productivity Zone currently and I'm on my first break!
Also it is 11:11 so make a wish 😁
I realized that at least for ME, I would rather at least TRY to do something that might help myself than to sit and spin all day.
There is nothing wrong with taking a day "off". But for ME, currently, I have to at least try to do something first.
Why? Because I realized that the WORST feeling for me is when I basically sit and spiral and get nothing done, but I've stressed as if I have. If that makes sense 😅
That is why I had protein this morning. And took my vitamins. And prepped daily water and am drinking it.
To give myself a fighting chance
It is a MASSIVE paradigm shift to do these things BEFORE you feel "better"
It feels backwards..at least to my nervous system
Like.
What are you doing meditating??? You need to figure out your LIFE before you are allowed to eat or hydrate etc. 🤯🤯
So that being said, if you are struggling, think of ONE thing you can do (or at least attempt to do) that MIGHT help you.
And do that thing, even if it doesn't make a difference. Because you actually WILL feel better if you try rather than not try.
You might not realize it. But it is true.
That is what gets me to get out of bed every day. And when my brain is like but what do we do AFTER breakfast?? I just have to tell it, we don't even need to figure that out right now. Plus we probably CAN'T figure that out right now. Have to fuel first.
It feels so awkward and even irresponsible to do it this way. But it is actually the responsible thing to do.
And I'm currently on my first "break" of my Productivity Zone. I have written a couple of things in my planner so far
And yes. I feel better that I did that than did literally NOTHING (but simultaneously stressed about it all day)
Love you guys!!
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Saturday June 27!
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Hi guys!! I am SO excited to have you here! This group is for ANYONE who is facing challenges and wants to learn and EXPERIENCE feeling unstoppable!
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