Siblings · Parenting Adult Children Today

Siblings

Today's zoom was informative and instructive. I've thought a lot about my experience parenting both of my daughters and frankly it has felt like complete emotional whiplash. I have 2 adult daughters, 37 and 34. My eldest was challenging in a variety of ways, colicky, cuddle-averse and entered the "terrible twos" by 12-15 months. With the gift of 20/20 hindsight I can recognize that she was vocal, hypersensitive and had some troubles with self-soothing out of the gate. My youngest was the exact opposite...for the first 10 years. Their father died from undiagnosed colon cancer when they were 13 and 10 resulting in them doing a 180 degree personality flip. What I did not recognize at the time was that my husband was always harsher on my eldest, mostly verbally critical but occasionally physically. I did not even know the extent of it until years later. I was aware of the verbal issues and would attempt to soften the blow but while doing so, I was not aware of the perception my youngest was developing. Years after her father passing away, she commented that her "favorite parent" died and that her sister was my favorite. Talk about a shock reaction. She did have her father on quite a pedestal and over the years found out some things that knocked him down a few notches to "human" but I believe she's still processing this.

Meanwhile (again years later) I discovered that my eldest basically had the reaction of "ding dong the witch is dead" in response to her father's death....but then had to work through THAT guilt. She has done incredible work over the past 2 decades and we have a good connection and have shared quite a lot about those painful years and trauma. I am estranged from the youngest daughter (her decision to stop communication) and although I feel that she is working through and processing issues, it's difficult to deal with not being able to discuss things with her.

I have to say that one of the largests gifts from this course has been increasing my self-awareness. The concept of curiosity and learning what my kids are really experiencing and feeling as opposed to filling in the blank or void with what I assume or think has been a steep learning curve for me.

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