SOCIAL ANXIETY IS A PROPER LYING LITTLE BITCH. IT CAN FCK RIGHT OFF.

🔥

Definitely not something I want. Definitely something I’m working on. Definitely not something I want to label myself as… but I know I just fricken did…

So last night I went to a local live music event with this new EPIC man in my life who’s from here in Bali.

Not a big concert or out like that. Just local musicians, friends, beers, good vibes… and I was like… right… bite the bullet, Mimi. Go and do something uncomfortable for once instead of making excuses, u got this eeekkk

I could already feel the anxiety brewing before we even left.

Thirty minute scooter ride… and I’m already overthinking shit a lot

Then we walked in.

It was this bigish warehouse space. All the lights were on. Maybe 25 or 30 people sat around tables drinking arak and beer.

𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗺𝗲𝗻….

Ekka knew people straight away. A few came over to say hello. He introduced me. Obvs there’s a language barrier because I don’t speak Indonesian (gotta sort this out..note to self) and then my brain just went…

𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗧.

I’m the only girl here.

𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗧.

I'm the only bule (that's what they call us foreigners here) here.

And then… oh my dayz… I spiralled. Like PROPER fcking spiralled.

The only way I can describe it is... imagine walking into an arena where U don't know a SINGLE person.

Everything's unfamiliar.

Everyone already knows everyone else.

And it feels like there's this massive af spotlight following U around the room. Like everyone can see u. Everyone's looking at u. Everyone's judging u... even though they're probably not pfffttt

That's exactly what it felt like.

𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝘁 𝗦𝗢 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗱.

𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗯𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗻.

𝗜 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗰𝗸 𝗶𝗻.

What do I do with my hands? Do I put them on my hips? Behind my back? Do I smile? Am I smiling too much? Am I standing weird? Why am I just STANDING here?

Then it got even more ridiculous because my brain clearly thought, "Let's throw absolutely EVERYTHING at her while we're at it."

Why didn't I wear my Vans? Why have I got sandals on? Why am I wearing shorts? I should've worn trousers. Do I look like an idiot? People are gonna think... who the fuck is SHE? Why is she here?

And then the REAL spiralling kicked in...

What if he thinks this is too much?

What if he doesn't wanna be with someone who's like this?

What if this somehow fcks up whatever we've got?

What if I can't explain what's happening because of the language barrier? Sometimes I cannot even explain it to myself…

What if everyone thinks I'm being rude?

What if they think I don't like them?

It was honestly just one giant...

"What if?"

Over and over and over agen…

Looking back now I KNOW those thoughts weren't logical...

But when you're IN it…right in the thick of it…

They feel completely damn real.

My heart was racing and the anxiety got so bloody intense it reached my eyeballs and I could feel the tears coming. Proper lump in the throat. Proper "please don't cry in front of a load of strangers" kinda feeling.

Ekka looked at me and said, "Are U okay?"

I was like...

Gulp “No."

So we grabbed a beer and just stood there for a bit while I tried to get myself 2gether.

Honestly... if U've ever experienced anxiety like that... it's fcking horrible, it sucks big time..I just wanted the ground to swallow up…

And what's weird is... put me on a stage in front of hundreds of people with a microphone in my hand talking about business or mindset... I'm absolutely fine. Give me a workshop to teach. Give me a retreat to host. I'll happily chat shit all day long.

But put me somewhere completely new... with new people... a different culture... a different language... being the one who stands out instead of blending in...

Ooooffff.

That hit me harder than I expected.

After one beer, a few really slow breaths and a lovely message from a friend, I slowly started settling.

People came over. We chatted. I eased. The music started. I relaxed.

And by the end of the night...

It was actually a REALLY bloody epic night.

His friends are awesome. The music was great. The whole vibe was just cool as fuck.

I'm totes so glad I went.

Not glad I had the anxiety... but every single time I push through something uncomfortable I learn something. I grow. And I know next time it'll be just that tiny little bit easier.

Then something made me laugh this morning…

I was looking through my old website yesterday as I am doing a clear up and moving things and found an entire course I'd created on building confidence. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Looks like I'm gonna be doing my own bloody course today…

I'm also gonna stick it inside 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗔𝗖𝗞𝗥𝗢𝗢𝗠 for free because I reckon I'm probably not the only one who needs it… (or maybe I should put on Youtube what ya reckon?)

For me it's more meditation. More breathwork. More doing the uncomfortable shit. More reminding myself that standing out isn't actually dangerous... even though my brain still likes to pretend it is sometimes.

𝗪𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗰 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆...

𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗜 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗖𝗛 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁.

Yet last night...

𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗰𝗸 𝗶𝗻.

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SOCIAL ANXIETY IS A PROPER LYING LITTLE BITCH. IT CAN FCK RIGHT OFF.