Looking back, it's hard to believe it's been 12 months since I celebrated 7 months of sobriety. Today, at 9 pm, I'll have reached 19 months without alcohol. The journey has been long and challenging, but I'm determined to see it through. I deserve to know what it's like to live life on my own terms, to not give up on myself.

Facing the most unbearable instances of grief I have discovered I do not need “help” to deal with raw emotions of love. That “help” would only distort or destroy what is left and is still beautiful to remember. I have lost and not used, I have even been in MY stomping grounds of hometown and stood tall and restrained myself. A couple years later and I am losing a beautiful woman to her disappearing memories. Heart wrenching and gut twisting. I know it deep in my soul that I do not need what I once thought was “help”. I DO NEED TO KEEP GOING: keep up with self care, recovery activities, maintain healthy relationships and go to therapy/meetings/coffee hour and church. KEEP GOING WITH REAL HELP! Proven help. Not the deceitful “help” that buried me in the first place.

I have met a lot of failing resources, even several crisis lines…. I have given up and tried again so many times it is ridiculous, even just this year 7months and one week. You’d think I was just exaggerating if I said how many times since 2021 when NYS took away my stability through what was once consistent MH treatment and healthcare in general. This state is going to kill me through systematic neglect. Regardless I meet those failures that were all promised to work given you do x y x or even the ones that you just show up/call. It took a long time but I no longer care that the world and everyone in fails me. I’m still here bitches. You will hear me one day.

Yesterday July 30th 2025 I made it to 1 Year 7 Months / 19 Months / 578 Days Clean from destructive Self-harm habits this is a big accomplishment for me marking significant growth and resilience in the face of my longest-standing battle with self-harm addiction. This journey began when I was under 14, over 8 years of struggling with emotional pain and life's disappointments, unexpected losses and challenges that lead to relocating often resorting to self-destructive behaviors. This milestone signifies my progress and determination to overcome these challenges. ​There is always hope, even in the darkest moments. I spent days relapsing, feeling defeated hour after hour, but I finally found the courage to overcome my struggles by reaching out for help. It wasn't easy; asking for help is often the most daunting task. However, I'm grateful I took that step, and I want others to know that dying isn't the answer – overcoming and living is. Recovering from self-injury requires a comprehensive approach that addresses physical, emotional, and psychological well-being your not alone Consulting a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can be incredibly beneficial in identifying the root causes of self-harm and developing effective coping strategies. Recognizing situations, emotions, or thoughts that lead to self-harm is crucial, and developing plans to manage them can help prevent future instances. Additionally, finding healthy alternatives to self-harm, such as exercise, mindfulness, creative activities, or talking to a trusted friend or family member, can provide a sense of relief and support. Create a support network that truly understands you and your struggles and strengths. Surround yourself with caring individuals, join support groups, or participate in online communities that share your experiences. Make self-care a priority: engage in stress-reducing activities like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation. Learn self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience. To overcome challenges, consider seeking professional help from a therapist to address underlying concerns such as trauma, anxiety, or depression. Additionally, prioritize your physical well-being by focusing on proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and regular exercise. Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can also help you process emotions and recognize patterns. Don't forget to acknowledge and celebrate the all the small milestones in your recovery journey every hour in recovery is a accomplishment. Make every day count one second one heartbeat one breathe one minute one hour one day at a time We Do Recover One Day At A Time All Day Everyday Just For Today Process I Recover Out Loud Because I Almost Died Silently By Myself

Last weekend at the club, I hosted the most incredible adventure - 52 kids joined me for a Pirate Pals and Mermaid Tales event that I'll never forget. We didn't just have a pool party. We created magic. I transformed our pool deck into a shipwreck, turned the kiddy pool into a mystical mermaid lagoon, and took those kids on the adventure of a lifetime. It all started when my ship, the Black Pearl, crashed on the rocks while carrying treasure to Lake Ontario. The hull was badly damaged, the treasure was lost, and the notorious Bushwood Country Club Pirates were circling like sharks. But here's where the real adventure began. I quickly recruited all 52 kids to join my crew, and we launched into action. Everyone found a big rock, and with my "magic paint," we painted magical powers onto those rocks that could fix the hull of our ship. The wonder in their eyes as they believed in that magic? Absolutely priceless. Next, we made our way to Cannonball Hill and launched cannons - aka water balloons - at the Bushwood Country Club Pirates who attacked us via golf cart pirate ships. After defeating them in epic battle, we had to venture to Mermaid Lagoon to ask our real-life mermaid three crucial questions: Where was our treasure? How do we get it back? And which direction do we sail to get back to Lake Ontario? The finale was pure joy. After getting our answers, the kids spent hours walking the plank and gathering treasure. I had three planks set up - the diving board for our brave older kids, one on the side of the deep end for those who were scared of the diving board, and one in the shallow end for our smallest swimmers. As my story ended and I watched them all walking those planks, I was in complete awe. The pool was full. Every single parent had smiles on their faces. The kids were laughing and yelling pirate noises. It was truly magical. I miss that kind of imagination, that kind of wonder, that kind of pure joy. But here's what I'm most proud of - and I mean this in the most humble way possible - I pulled it off. I made it happen. I made them all happy. And no drop of alcohol, no drug could ever make me feel as good as I felt standing on that pool deck, watching pure joy unfold before my eyes.