When 'I'd Never Do That' Meets Reality · Inspired Life, Empowered Being

When 'I'd Never Do That' Meets Reality

Inspiration for this post: Been reading "𝐎𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐌𝐞𝐧: 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐁𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐧 101 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐒𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐏𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝" and also having discussions around how seemingly 'good' people make some really harmful (at times deadly) decisions.

I think that one of the assumptions that we make is that "good moral people" always make good morally sound decisions. I often say to myself "Never say never" because given the 'right' (or wrong) lethal combination of factors, even the best people can be taken down...

Our behavior is shaped by far more than our values alone. And....if we're not attentive to our inner workings, we are more inclined to get into situations that are not aligned with our values.

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞/𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲:

-Stress and emotional overload can shrink our ability to think long-term (we can get tunnel vision and see less options/solutions)

-Unmet needs (belonging, validation, safety, control, purpose, fulfillment) can push us toward unhealthy coping strategies; I can't emphasize this point enough!

-Cognitive dissonance leads us to justify behaviors that don't fit our self-image ("I had no choice," "They deserved it," "This is different." "Everyone else is doing it" "No one is really being harmed for real" "what they don't know won't hurt them" "Other people are doing something that is worse")

-Habits and conditioning often run on autopilot long before conscious thought catches up (this is why introspection and intentionality matter)

-Group influence (and authority) can normalize behaviors we'd never consider alone

-Fear, shame, or trauma can trigger protective responses that make sense psychologically, even when they're harmful.

There are many things at play that influence our decision making. I think it's important to be aware and to navigate from that place. Character isn't just revealed by our mistakes but it's also revealed by how we respond to those mistakes.

𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐬:

-Learning to notice our emotional state before acting

-Identifying underlying needs that are at play and exploring different options for getting those needs met that are more aligned with our values

-Ask the question, "Is this getting me closer or further away from the person that I want to be?"

-Challenging the stories we tell ourselves instead of automatically believing them.

-Taking responsibility without collapsing into shame;

-Building habits that make our desired behaviors easier than our impulsive ones (supports are so important; environments are so important. Are we putting ourselves in situations that make positive decision making easy or challening?)

-Seeking honest feedback from people who care enough to tell us the truth

For those supporting someone who's struggling, compassion doesn't require enabling. Healthy compassion can sound like:

-"I care about you, and I also care about the impact of your choices."

-Get curious--ask questions from a place of curiosity (rather than judgment) and have the person identify for themselves what's at play in a decision

-Holding empathy and accountability at the same time

-Offering support for growth rather than rescuing someone from every consequence. Sometimes (a lot of times) we need to eat the consequences of our actions--in order to see the behavior/impact for what it is

-Encouraging ownership instead of making excuses

-If someone's behavior is harming you, recognize that you need to take care of yourself too (create distance if necessary--that's a natural consequence too)

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is believe someone is capable of doing better and refuse to lower the standard because we feel sorry for them...you know?

Growth happens where compassion and accountability meet.

We can't hate ourselves into feeling good/doing good. We can meet ourselves and others with love and compassion. These are not opposed to accountability.

(I was really tempted to post a few videos about the psychology of genocide and other related topics, but I'll keep it more 'light' here). I think this could be a series of some sort as there are so many venues where poor decision making can take place (relationships, relationally, health related, etc).

POLL: When good people make bad choices, what do you think is usually the biggest factor?

Stress or emotional overwhelm

Unmet needs or old wounds

Self-justification ("I convinced myself it was okay.")

Other

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When 'I'd Never Do That' Meets Reality