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21d (edited) • Relational Health 💕
The Four Horsemen of Relationships (and their Antidotes)
"Confrontation" comes from the Medieval Latin confrontare, meaning "to border" or "to be next to". This Latin term combines com- ("together" or "with") and frontem ("forehead"). The word implies a situation of being brought "face-to-face" or "standing close enough to touch foreheads,".
I say this because often times we view confrontation as something negative as opposed to an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and alignment. We view it negatively because often times there's a history and our own experiences where we've been misunderstood or wounded or have had examples of conflict that did turn out negative. Instead of leaning in, there's a 'fight or flight' response that happens.
Below, we go over the communication styles that wound/kill relationships. Although, underneath the behavior is usually a protective part, they end up disconnecting us from each other. Their antidotes are also present because....recognition/insight is important, BUT action is required if we want things to be more whole.
Here we go! (This is a summary based on a few articles on the gottman site)
The PDF is just an accessible version of the same thing if you want to print it out/give it out.
The TEDTalk is put on by the Gottmans--the individuals that dedicated their lives to studying relationshihps and the ones that coined "The four horsemen of relationships".
*****The material is pretty much the same, just different styles of taking in information for those of us who learn in different ways****
🐴 1. Criticism → Gentle Start-Up ✨
- Criticism attacks a person’s character. ( “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?" "You never listen to me" )
- Antidote: Share how you feel and what you need using “I” statements ( “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I'd like a space to vent. Can we please talk about my day?” "Can we take some time to talk about something that's important to me tonight?" --notice that you can state what you need without an attack on the other person)
💭 Remember: What do I feel? What do I need?
🐴 2. Contempt → Appreciation and Respect 🌱
- Contempt includes sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mockery. ***It is the strongest predictor of divorce.**** (e.g. “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.”----it's NEVER about the dishes...the content may be about the dishes, but the underlying current is not the dishes at all!!)
- Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and practice the “magic ratio” of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative ( e.g. “I understand you’ve been busy and that you're tired and I appreciate you working so hard. On the days that I work late, can you load the dishwasher? I’d appreciate it. ” )
✨ Small things often — daily gratitude, affection, and respect protect against contempt.
🐴 3. Defensiveness → Take Responsibility 🤝
- Defensiveness shifts blame and escalates conflict. (e.g. "It's not my fault we're late. You always get dressed at the last minute.")
- Antidote: Accept responsibility for your part, even if it’s small. (“I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be more flexible.”)
💡 Owning even part of the problem prevents escalation and opens the door to compromise.
🐴 4. Stonewalling → Self-Soothing 🧘
- Stonewalling happens when someone shuts down and withdraws from the conversation due to emotional overwhelm. (Silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, shutting down)
- Antidote: Pause, take at least 20 minutes to calm down, then return to the discussion with a clear mind. (“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break. Can you give me 20 minutes and then we can talk?”
👉 During breaks, avoid negative thoughts. Instead, do something calming like listening to music, walking, or reading.
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The Four Horsemen of Relationships (and their Antidotes)
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