Perfectionism-Fear Masquerading as Growth · Inspired Life, Empowered Being

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Perfectionism-Fear Masquerading as Growth

Often times, people who engage in perfectionistic type thinking and behaviors indicate that they have high standards, are aiming for excellence, and indicate that they are committed to growth. These seem like great things and they can be, but the undercurrent of what drives these statements matters.

Clinically speaking, perfectionism is often less about excellence and more about fear. Fear related to failure, criticism, disappointing others, of not being enough...

Perfectionism is often an attempt to manage uncertainty and protect ourselves from painful emotions. The problem is that the strategies we use to avoid those feelings can end up creating more stress, anxiety, and disconnection.

Below are some common perfectionistic behaviors:

𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

Perfectionists often work harder than necessary to prevent mistakes or criticism.

The underlying belief is often:

"If I work hard enough, I can eliminate the possibility of failure."

Unfortunately, no amount of effort can guarantee that.

𝐃𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

Many perfectionists struggle to hand tasks over to others in fear that things won't be done "correctly".

This can create burnout, resentment, and the feeling that everything depends on them.

The hidden cost: carrying responsibilities that were never meant to be carried alone.

𝐒𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

"Do you think that was okay?"

"Are you sure you're not upset with me?"

"Can you check this one more time?"

Seeking reassurance can temporarily reduce anxiety, but it often strengthens the belief that confidence must come from outside ourselves.

(safety behavior that reduces anxiety in the short term but creates problems in the long term)

𝐄𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐎𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠

Planning is super helpful, but perfectionism can turn planning into a way of avoiding uncertainty.

Hours are spent creating the perfect schedule, researching every option, or organizing every detail before taking action. This type of planning can become a substitute for living. It can give the impression that progress is being made but no actual action is being taken.

The goal shifts from progress to control in this scenario and full on control is not possible.

𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐞-𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

Perfectionists often create impossible standards.

If they succeed, they tell themselves that anyone could have done that and if they struggle or receive criticism they tell themselves that they knew they weren't good enough. Either way, they lose.

This cognitive distortion prevents achievements from feeling meaningful while making mistakes feel catastrophic.

𝐎𝐮𝐭𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐀𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Many perfectionists fear conflict, criticism, or rejection. As a result, they may outwardly agree with others while internally disagreeing. They become skilled at managing impressions rather than expressing authentic thoughts.Over time, this can create resentment, emotional exhaustion, and a loss of connection with their own preferences and values. The internal battle is a real one. The loss of self trust is real (loss of integrity). Shame build up. Depression build up. Anxiety build up.

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐨

The goal is NOT to lower the standards. High standards and aiming for excellence are NOT bad things. It's important to acknowledge where the drive comes from. It's important to tolerate being human.

-allow "good enough" to exist and make room for mistakes

-take action before feeling completely ready

-delegate knowing that it can be imperfect

-express disagreement respectfully

-build self worth that's not dependent on flawless performance.

***Aiming for perfection is implying that you'll be done growing....That can be an insult to yourself, no?***

Even though the idea of perfectionism promises safety, the reality is that it's more likely to deliver exhaustion, resentment, tension....

Growth, connection, creativity and fulfillment usually emerge from the very thing that perfection tries to avoid...

Poll: Which perfectionistic behavior do you struggle with most?

Below: Overcoming Perfectionism Book (I have NOT gone through all of it so can't speak for all of it, but it'll be a resource I'll be returning to).

Below: Perfectionism questionnaire--do not use this as a clinical assessment, but just as something to build insight into your own thinking.

🔘 Overcompensating and doing more than is necessary