If we confuse attention for connection, we will stay emotionally hungry

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One of the traps of a modern technology filled life is mistaking attention for connection.

Attention can be fairly easy to get but connection requires building and nurturing.

Attention can look like texts, likes, compliments, flirtation, or constant validation. It creates the feeling of being noticed and feeling seen (but not necessarily ACTUALLY being seen). This can temporarily ease a sense of loneliness.

Connection is different because at its foundation it provides emotional safety, consistency and vulnerability is met with care.

If we look at attachment theory, it explains that humans are wired for secure emotional bonds, not just visibility or stimulation and research shows our nervous systems respond more to safety and emotional attunement than to the amount of attention we receive. (this makes sense as to why someone can have endless messages/followers/admirers and still feel a sense of loneliness)

***Attention activates the brain’s reward system.

***Connection helps regulate the nervous system.

Research consistently backs the impact that intermittent reinforcement can have on a person--when attention or affection comes unpredictably, people often start chasing the emotional highs instead of genuine intimacy. It can become addicting and part of this is because there are no signals of consistent safety so we chase to soothe the discomfort.

We become addicted to pursuing emotional intensity rather than emotional intimacy. This will never satisfy the hunger though, because attention cannot provide what healthy attachment can provide.

We can see this in real time--people can be constantly connected online and yet emotionally disconnected in real life and it doesn't help that we kind of live in a culture that rewards visibility as opposed to vulnerability. Even vulnerability has become a visibility status so people can use the 'right words' but not actually connect because the other pieces necessary for connection are not there.

***Being noticed is not the same as being understood and being desired is not the same as being valued.***

Real connection requires things attention alone cannot provide including trust, honesty, consistency, emotional reciprocity and psychological safety. It's allowing oneself to be known beyond our image or performance.

Side note--this is not necessarily saying attention is bad. We enjoy recognition and affirmation. It's only problematic when it becomes a substitue for real intimacy.

POLL: What do you think people confuse with “connection” the most?

Question for the group :Why do you think so many people feel emotionally disconnected despite being more “connected” than ever?

Constant attention

Physical attraction

validation/compliments

frequent communication

social media engagement

other

14 votes

20 comments