I would be happy if.... (The Arrival Fallacy)
""A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it"--Cool Runnings
***Even if you don't read this, check out the video if you can!***
"I will be happy if..." "When I get this......then......" These are statements that I hear OFTEN in my clinical practice and there absolutely have been times when I've also fallen into this. So, we end up chasing whatever goal it is that we think will make us happy/fulfilled/enough and once we get there we feel a momentary high only to ask ourselves, "Okay, what now? What's next?" And then the goalpost relocates. Good times.
This is the 𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐲. It's "the false, often unconscious belief that reaching a specific destination, achieving a goal, or attaining a certain status will deliver lasting happiness". It gives the impression that there's some clean and satisfying 'arrival point' where striving ends and contentment begins. But the reality is that that arrival ends up being more like a layover. A temporary high, followed by a crash, which then we try to fill up again--hedonic adaptation at play here.
So here's the thing though because I don't want any of this to imply that goals are bad or that we shouldn't strive. That's ridiculous. It's more about not assigning these goals the emotional weight that they weren't intended to hold and not making your worth as a person dependent on the achievement of these goals. It's about checking ourselves and seeing what underlying driving forces are at play for us when we're striving. A promotion won't resolve our underlying restlessness, a PR won't permanently quiet our self doubt (though it may give evidence that 'hey, maybe we're better than we think'), a cleaner relationship though it can provide a level of safety won't just eliminate internal noise.
𝐆𝐨𝐚𝐥𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐢𝐫𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞.
***𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡-𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐬)***
If you’re someone who’s good at pushing, achieving, optimizing, you’re especially prone to this.
Because it works! We set targets, we hit them, and then we level up. It's self reinforcing. If we're not careful, our entire sense of "enoughness" becomes outsourced to the next milestone and that? THAT is a treadmill with no off switch. And there are effects to these type of treadmills.
𝐒𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠?
The answer is NOT to ease up, lower the bar, or stop caring so much. This is not about settling and becoming complacent. I think that people sometimes fear that this is what will happen, but it's NOT about this AT ALL. This is about having a different relationship with this 'drive'. Relentless striving isn’t the problem. Misplaced expectation is. You CAN be super ambitious, disciplined, and even obsessive (I'm using this term loosely here) about growth without believing that it's going to finally make you 'enough'.
Here are the examples that can maybe make this click:
- We can still chase the PR but it’s an expression , not a cure
-We still build, fix, improve but not from a place of lack
-We still want more but we’re not empty without it
𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐭 (𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐞'𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡), 𝐢𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐮𝐩 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐎𝐌!!
When we get this 'right':
-We don't hesitate to go all in because we're not afraid of what happens if it doesn't fix everything
-We don't burn out as easily because we're not constantly trying to get our identity from outcomes
-We don't crash after wins because we weren't expecting those wins to carry our emotional weight
𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐛𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭!
𝐆𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝. 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐲. 𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐥𝐲. 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟. :)
QUESTION TO PONDER: What’s something you were convinced would “fix it" that didn’t?
And what would it look like to keep pursuing it just as fully…without needing it to?
POLL: What drives you right now?
***Check out the video!! **** Some good nuggets in there! :)
The excitement of growth
The fear of falling behind
Trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough
A mix of all of the above
I'm not really sure
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I would be happy if.... (The Arrival Fallacy)
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