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10d (edited) • Intellectual/Personal Growth💡
⚡ Cognitive Distortion Spotlight: “Should Statements”
Okay, here's one of my favorite cognitive distortions to pick on. The word in and of itself kind of has an adverse effect on me and it's the one that I hear so often in conversations. The part of me that desires freedom for myself/others automatically wants to fight this. The part of me that wants responsibility doesn't like how this word comes across (cloaked with guilt or shame). Instead of motivating positive action, this word comes with the weight of pressure, guilt, frustration which actually leads to DEmotivation! It also comes with implied messages that are also weighty and defeating.
"Shoulds" sound like rules we must follow, but often they are unrealistic expectations that weigh us down.
✨ Examples of “Shoulds”:
- 😓 “I should always be productive.” (underlying message: if i'm not productive, then I'm not good enough or I'm a failure)
- 🏋️ “I should work out every single day or I’m failing.”
- 🤦 “They should know what I need without me saying it.” (underlying message: if they don't know, they don't care enough)
- 💼 “I should have achieved more by now.” (underlying message: I'm a failure, I'm not good enough)
- 😔 “I shouldn’t feel this way.” (underlying message; there's something defective about me)
💡 Why it’s a problem:“Should statements” create unnecessary guilt and shame when directed inward, and resentment or disappointment when directed outward. They often set us up for failure because life rarely fits into rigid rules. It also ends up demotivating us from action--doing the exact opposite of what it's trying to do.
***Also, the brain has a hard time differentiating between the Should of "You shouldn't k*ll someone" vs. "You should clean your room***These are obviously different, however, the parts of the brain that are activated are similar. It wouldn't be helpful to feel the same level of guilt for both of these as they are not one and the same.
🌱 Healthier Perspective:Replace “should” with more flexible and compassionate language:
- “I’d like to…”
- “It would help me if…”
- “It’s important to me to…” This shift softens judgment and opens the door to healthier motivation and clearer communication.
👉 Question to ponder: Do you notice “should statements” more in how you talk to yourself or in how you expect things from others?
(shoulds are so widely used that often times we buy into them as truth, as "we should have shoulds"...but I challenge you to take a look at what's behind these shoulds and are there better ways of expressing ourselves?)
('ll return and add some resources and some ways to combat these!)
FOLLOWING UP!
🌿 Breaking Free from “Should Statements”
“Shoulds” can feel heavy, like invisible rules we carry. But there are some ways to try to retrain (and maybe understand the 'shoulds' from a healthier place)
✨ 1. Catch the “Should”
- Listen for the word “should” in your self-talk or expectations of others.
- Awareness is the first step to changing the pattern.
✨ 2. Reframe with Gentler Language
- Swap rigid “shoulds” for flexible phrases: "I'd like to...." "It would be helpful if...." "It's important to me that...." "I value...."
✨ 3. Explore the Belief Behind the Should
- Ask: “Where did I learn this rule?”
- Sometimes “shoulds” come from culture, family, or past pressure rather than your true values. Sometimes they DO come from an underlying value that you hold, but the way that it's being presented is in a way that's forceful as opposed to freeing.
✨ 4. Focus on Choice, Not Obligation
- Remind yourself: “I choose to do this because it matters to me,” instead of “I should do this or else I’ve failed.”
✨ 5. Show Yourself Compassion
- Nobody can meet every “should.” Give yourself permission to be human and grow at your own pace.
💬 Questionto ponder: Which “should statement” do you find hardest to let go of, and how could you reframe it more kindly? Where have you learned it from/where does it come from?
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⚡ Cognitive Distortion Spotlight: “Should Statements”
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