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9d (edited) • Intellectual/Personal Growth💡
Above all, don't lie to yourself (How to be honest with yourself!)
I read a few of the posts that has in this community and that in addition to a few conversations that I've had recently got me thinking about self honesty and how often we may find ourselves in traps related to the discomfort of facing ourselves. Even when we think we're honest, at times there are still layers keeping us from truly seeing ourselves.
When we don't tell ourselves the truth about what's actually happening (with ourselves, with a situation), we can end up working incredibly hard and putting a lot of time and energy in a direction that's not really serving us and potentially even harming us.
Self-honesty isn't about trying harder to 'be honest" because 'most' people already think that they are. The gap is in what we're willing to see and what we're protecting. It requires us to practice /engage in different ways of going about our thinking. Below are some ways to try to go about it!!
1.𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲
We usually have a narrative /explanation about why things are the way they are--the story that we tell ourselves to explain our habits, our patterns and the results. Something that we can do is ask ourselves "What if this story is incomplete? What if this story is convenient? What if this story is keeping me stuck?" Fill in the blank, "The story that I'm telling myself about this is____"
2. 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
We are meaning making people. We end up taking facts and adding meaning to situations. It can ease the bluntness of certain situations. Sometimes the interpretation is helpful, other times it ends up just justifying behaviors that we'd benefit from changing. Blurring facts with meaning can sometimes be problematic. Similar to above "The story that I'm telling myself about this is ____"
3. 𝐎𝐰𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫-𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠
This is NOT about self blame. Self blame and responsibility and empowerment/agency are different things. Not everything is our fault and just because things happen doesn't mean that we are the problem. This is more about asking "What kind of agency do I have in this situation, even if other variables exist?" It's about taking ourselves from a victim position and putting ourselves in a position of appropriate power. There are things that are outside of our control but there are also things where we have agency.
4. 𝐓𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐱𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭
This is a toughy for me, but it really is important to sit with the discomfort because it will allow us to see things more clearly--not just the pattern that we may not like, but the "real" reason why behind it. When we see our internal driving forces and deepen the insight, it allows us to address the actual variables at play. If we rush this process, we can end up in situations trying to 'fix' the underlying need with a behavior that ends up not actually addressing it and potentially being even more problematic.
5. 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 “𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐬”
"I don't have time" (maybe, but is it a priority issue?)
"I need to be more disciplined" (maybe, but is there something we're avoiding?)
Look beyond the first answer.
6. 𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞
As with most things, this is not a one and done type situation. It requires ongoing sharpening of our lens/perspective. Keep asking yourself these types of questions, "What story am I creating around this? and what is it protecting?" "If someone was looking in, what would they see as obvious?"
𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍
At the end of the day, pick one moment that felt off (friction, avoidance, overreaction)
Then ask: What did I say I would do? What did I actually do? What story did I tell about it?
What’s a simpler, less flattering (but more accurate)version?
*𝐀𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬*
𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐕𝐄--𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐲, 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬!!
𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍
Where has being brutally honest with yourself actually changed something for you?
𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐋
Which one feels most true lately?
I LOVE this quote by Dostoevsky!!
I call myself out quickly, even when it’s uncomfortable
I’m honest… after I’ve told myself a nicer version first
I use generalities "We all have our faults" but then don't really take real accountability
I know I’m avoiding something, but haven’t faced it yet (change feels scary or painful or feels like I'll be giving something up)
I genuinely don’t know what I’m not seeing
Depends on the situation--in some areas I feel clear and in others, not so much
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Above all, don't lie to yourself (How to be honest with yourself!)
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