Such a long Story! Wow. Well, still!

I keep having really hard time getting out of a toxic "romantic" relationship, and having so many intense feelings and urges, going back to "try" to a person who just makes me feel so awful about myself, life, and everything in it. I feel like he stuck some sort of evil entity to me, or maybe he just IS one. I had a big shift ache git bout of it, only to try again, almost to spite him, but it's been seriously hurtful the whole time. I knew him as a young teenager, now again from 32-37. I didn't even like him that much, he was a drug addict, and I'd previouly, and since lost importantfriends and a very special my ex-boyfriend to opiates. I never used harder drugs, but he seriously influenced me in getting on them for a couple of years. I hated him, I felt stuck, I almost died. He put me down, I gained weight, he pit me down, he didn't touch me... I don't think anyone in the world would've expected me to be with someone so horrible for so long. He was totally oblivious to how he was acting, except when he wass manipulative, and he would just lie about that. It's like he just wanted to keep me down. Be better than someone. And i knew. Maybe after a couple of weeks - maybe after an hour... but i was so depressed. I had already been depressed with panic attacks for years... but I knew. I don't believe I thought people could just not understand the value of compassion, and therefore just judge others and live below the mail of enlightenment. I thought I could teach him... or... at least he'd be so in love that he would have to face his need for love and compassionin himself and therefore change. It was fun, and stupid, and after two weeks I was hooked in to his manipulative web. I would always worry he would die. I almost died.

I finally got off drugs and I'm trying to live my life through light, love, and kindness, and this guy keeps telling me I'm not being responsible, and thinks that I'm "absurd" and "outrageous " to not think everything he says is true. He rejects facts, he rejected me, emotionally, physically, spiritually... every single way he could, but when I asked him, he always SAID he absolutely loved me and wanted to be with me. How can he not see his own behavior? I wonder - is there a good person under there? Can this really be happening? But it keeps happening. I guess i forget how he makes me feel when I think about how I feel about him, which is like he is a real person with real feelings - and surely he will see. Of course he won't keep acting that way.

We quit drugs, and I did it all over again thinking he was just messed up before... really messed up. But i love that he's from my past. I love how he said we could be at first. Who i thought we could be. He doesn't understand me, or my personality... he doesn't even know me, and i defer to him and never express myself.

since thislast round of [imaginary] abuse, he totally disrespected me and my time, being completely careless and cold about not paying me to watch his cats after a 5 day trip. He asks his dad for everything, but he wanted to give such a low amount and told me we negotiated it. He told me I don't remember, I need help,he has no trauma, or depression, or need therapy, even after being a horrible, manipulative loser drug addict for 17 years, then an insane fentanyl/crrack head for 3 more. He brought the drugs that killed one of his best friends, and his parents spent countless dollars, and years and years with experimental treatments to try to get him out of a vegetative state.

He stole thousands and thousands of dollars from his father, who continuesto enable him and go with whatever he wants. He stole thousands and thousands 9f money from his sweet grandmother who he claimed he loved so much.

He couldn'tget out of the car at her funeral. Despite ALL of that, he assures himself and everyone, especially me, that his drug 7se was "only ever for fun", he "never self medicated", he has had "no trauma", and he does not in any way need therapy. He wented to go in to a private session for himself related to our brief series of couples therapy appointment with a list of things to fix about me, and cancelled when I suggested the therapist might just want to talk about him and get to know him. He does not take responsibility for how he treats me or anyone unless he's trying to impress them.

The last time he said I needed help, I said he can help me by not ever talking to me again because he knows I'm so much better without him. I feel like vthis is old, and i don't have any energy to be upset about moving away from all of that, and from him, but I'm STILL really struggling to feel my independence again, and I'm struggling with thoughts about trying to figure him out, fix him... or even rescue his loving inner being from whatever monster has ahold of his soul, and is trying to take mine down. I might need some kind of energy worker.

I feel so terrible physically, and my thoughts and feelings are hurtingme, too:

How could I have spent so long in this? Why cant i just dump him for any of the Freiburg ways he has acted? Why, no matter how hurt i am, does he think it's just drama? Why cant he see when he is angry, raising his voice, acting rude, invading my rights to my own self expression, to my own self care? Why do I not care about him at all? Why don't I care about myself more? How can I forgive mystic for caring about him, or how can I at least just accept that some people are not good people and arrest willing to try to change, and actually believe Terry dint need to?... why are tete peopl living below the veil of enlightenment? Why are so many people pushing for so much hate?

How could I have let myself be the worst version of myself for so long by starting with him? How can i get over depression and addiction and anxiety all af once and risky feel the freedom i sometimes feel so close to the verge of? Am I really just doing everything wrong? I have to push myself. I only have so much inherent self control.

I never want to see or talk to him again. I think I can really do it now. He doesn't want to talk to me either. Why did I seem to need this to hurt so furiously?

I know meditation helps. I seem to be doing well with sage. I feel broken.. like wax. That has been burned through in the wrong places. It's so devastating. Now I feel so overly emotional. I tell my family how much I love them, and I'm trying to feel passionately grateful and be unapologetically kind and unapologetically "myself" so to speak, to express myself fully.

I [re]learned that when I was a young child, I had a maid for a period of time. I remember that there was a language barrier, and I was upset with her at times. It felt so bad, like my breath was being sucked out of me. Just like now. We had the maid there so that my mom could work a retail job at "The Paper Store". My mother has always been so beautiful and creative. I had forgotten all about her -Rosaro. I felt very sad being reminded of it. I feel ashamed that the whole thing felt so traumatizing, but my family told me I terrorized this maid, like, flipped out screaming for my mom, yelling and undoing all Rosario's hard work, throwing folded clothes out of drawers and screaming for my mom on a consistent basis until Rosario (my father's friend's mother) quit, and my mother came and stayed home full time. I feel so stupid, too. Like, Really? I have that in my past? We were far from monetarily wealthy AT ALL for the Maryland suburbs of DC! Still, I was a poor suburban child with an Ecuadorian maid (who was probably grossly underpaid by my father anyway).

I see the pattern repeat8ng, I see the shame, and guilt that created for myself... I see how I trapped my mother... and now I'm looking at the ADD on the Autism spectrum, and I see that I have these shut downs, and in those hours I start to feel sad about that relationship.

All that to say,

I am very thankful for this collective group energy. Thanks for including me. If you feel like you can send ice some positive vibrations my way, I'm open for a extra encouragement.

I need some good vibe.... or some kind of intervention, probably. Ugh.

I'm meditating... I'm putting in this spiritual work and I know that self care activation, balance, reframing core values, and loving the spirituality of our souls from this human nature perspective is the best way to feel good, to help myself, and help bthe world.

I'm was feeling on the edge of a positive breakthrough. Now I feel on the edge of giving up. I love this community. I would love your compassionate, respectful advice, good vibes, and maybe some ideas about cord cutting and negative entities nearby.

Thanks to anybody who 3nds up reading this! Hah. 😅 . Thank you High Vibe Tribe! Thanks Aaron!

Love,

Sylvia

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