Such a long Story! Wow. Well, still!
I keep having really hard time getting out of a toxic "romantic" relationship, and having so many intense feelings and urges, going back to "try" to a person who just makes me feel so awful about myself, life, and everything in it. I feel like he stuck some sort of evil entity to me, or maybe he just IS one. I had a big shift ache git bout of it, only to try again, almost to spite him, but it's been seriously hurtful the whole time. I knew him as a young teenager, now again from 32-37. I didn't even like him that much, he was a drug addict, and I'd previouly, and since lost importantfriends and a very special my ex-boyfriend to opiates. I never used harder drugs, but he seriously influenced me in getting on them for a couple of years. I hated him, I felt stuck, I almost died. He put me down, I gained weight, he pit me down, he didn't touch me... I don't think anyone in the world would've expected me to be with someone so horrible for so long. He was totally oblivious to how he was acting, except when he wass manipulative, and he would just lie about that. It's like he just wanted to keep me down. Be better than someone. And i knew. Maybe after a couple of weeks - maybe after an hour... but i was so depressed. I had already been depressed with panic attacks for years... but I knew. I don't believe I thought people could just not understand the value of compassion, and therefore just judge others and live below the mail of enlightenment. I thought I could teach him... or... at least he'd be so in love that he would have to face his need for love and compassionin himself and therefore change. It was fun, and stupid, and after two weeks I was hooked in to his manipulative web. I would always worry he would die. I almost died. I finally got off drugs and I'm trying to live my life through light, love, and kindness, and this guy keeps telling me I'm not being responsible, and thinks that I'm "absurd" and "outrageous " to not think everything he says is true. He rejects facts, he rejected me, emotionally, physically, spiritually... every single way he could, but when I asked him, he always SAID he absolutely loved me and wanted to be with me. How can he not see his own behavior? I wonder - is there a good person under there? Can this really be happening? But it keeps happening. I guess i forget how he makes me feel when I think about how I feel about him, which is like he is a real person with real feelings - and surely he will see. Of course he won't keep acting that way.